i've been places, and i've done things. some i'm proud of, some i wish could be undone. but all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His will (Romans 8:28) and i know He's takin' me places.
shit. just because i'm the PK and i'm a leader and a youth and a musician, don't take the liberty of pinning me with all the faults of the youth group. LOOK. i'm the PIANIST. you know? the one who presses the black and white things. i am not the strummer of stings (a.k.a the guitarists) so i wouldn't know why the hell the guitar is warped or broken or why their strings are constantly snapped. i am also not the hitter of cymbals and snares (a.k.a the drummer) so i would have no idea why the hell we play so loud that we crack the cymbals. TAKE IT UP TO THE HIGHER AUTHORITY. i have no say in this whatsoever. so stop piling it all on me. i have enough shit to deal with in life to be bothered with things that are not my fault. and why is it always the youths fault anyway? what, adults don't err? stop screaming at me and telling me to stop giving you attitude. if it was my fault you know i'd apologize and take the rap. but THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. shut up already. i still love you guys. but stop this.
and you. please stop thinking that i'm always grounded or that i'm always against you or that i'm always trying to run away from responsibility. i know what i have to do and i'll do it willingly cos i love them. yeah. that's right. i'll take my own initiative. stop talking down to me like i'm horrendously incapable or irresponsible. we always say not to despise our youth. so why do you seem like you do? i've finally got my freedom and freedom was hard to come by, and its a sensitive issue. no one wants to be the daddy's girl. so stop it. its annoying. seriously. and stop manipulating my words and my feelings. stop taking the victim's seat. it ain't working no more. i don't pity you, my heart doesn't break when i see you the way you are. you're not that sad and sometimes, you remind me of her. yuck.
sorry for the outburst. you know how its like when you've had a super long day and you come home and shit gets shovelled down your throat. and you still have to suck it up and hit the books cos your prelims are approaching and if you don't do well, even more shit gets shovelled down your throat. this sucks. big time.
Lord, please let tomorrow be a better day. i don't know how much of this i can take. really. Lord, i'm trusting You with my life. please make me happy so people can see that i have a God who'll be my strength and give me joy. help me see the bright side of things, see the bigger picture, the plans You have in my life. please put people in my life to cheer me up and let me know that this ain't all my fault, and that i'm not a sucky leader/pianist/daughter/student. and please appease my fears and let me know i won't be left on the shelf. Lord, i need You. please help me to be even closer to You, help me get SUPER serious with You, to the extent where i can really say that all i need is You, all i want is You. i love You, but please teach me how to love You more. somehow, i don't love You enough.
okay. done. back to studying. i'll be happy soon. don't worry.
i'll stop lying. it still hurts when i hear your name. day-amn.