i wonder if my jealousy is justified. i figure i've got nothing to fear, nothing to worry about, but it just continually gnaws at me, nagging me, pulling for my attention. when actually, at this point of time, i should be caring about anything BUT that. Char says it's a normal girl thing, and i figure i'm just a lame excuse for a female, if that's the case. i hope i'm not one of those clingy girlfriends. ugh. God knows no one can stand those.

i think i'm coming down with a fever. which wouldn't be too much of a surprise, judging by my fluctuating sleeping hours and irregular diet. add on to that daddy's recent fever bug. i just may have caught it. i hope i didn't though. i really wanna go to work.

today's been horrible. i've been absolutely lifeless, dragging my feet along in everything i do. starting out with music prac at 10.30 in the morning, and after that, my day just rolled on. i finally met up with Hanies today :) missed you my dear! :D it was so so good seeing you again, even if it was only for slightly more than an hour. we are SO meeting up again soon. i love you!

i got a cupcake today :) from the very bestest BFF in the whole world :D you made my day, darling queks! if i could bake, i would. haha i shall resort to cooking up something else. either that or i'll make you coffee but first you gotta get your butt down to starbucks. hahah :) you really are the best, best! i love you like i love reading Jodi Picoult. which is alot. hahahah she keeps me up all night you know!

i'm feeling really queasy right now. like, really really queasy. and no, it's nothing i ate.

my life has become something altogether highly unfamiliar. the friends i hung out with at the start of the year, have become naught but friends. we used to be close going out all the time... but then again, i favour this estrangement. at least i distance myself a little more from temptation. although, i miss you guys :( aikey, isaac, alena, chuan, char, shens, edmund, peachy etc. you guys know who you are. and weirdly, i super miss you, jarrold.

now life has been pretty much work work work and church. i haven't met up with my close friends much, i've been feeling an uncomfortable distance from church, and i dunno. everything seems very....strange. it's not that i don't love my life now. no, in fact i love it the way it is. but i also loved it the way it was. and i kinda don't know who i am now. well, not exactly, anyways. i keep telling myself that when school starts, everything will go back to normal. but i have a frightening feeling, that normality is now a thing of the past.

i mean, "normal" in 2007 was mugging for my Os. "normal" in January-February of 2008 was partying, going out, having fun. "normal" in March 2008 is work and being a hermit. what would "normal" be in the future? what would "normal" be next week? i don't know. i really don't. and honestly speaking, i don't like not knowing.

i want my life back. i want my church friends, i want my special friends, i want my barista friends, and i want my God-friend. we've drifted a bit, and it's entirely my fault. i think He's the missing link in my life. i really need to go hunt Him down again. then maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay again.

i've been thinking alot. (as aforementioned.) and i think... i think i'm horrendously unsure about my status in life right now. what am i? who am i? what do i want in life? who do i want in life? what do i do now? where do i go from here?

i...
i...
i...
should.
i...
i...
i...
don't know.

i'm perfectly ok, mind you. haha not "emo" or what they call it. just... ponderous. (haha i thought "ponderous" was a gibberish word but i just realized its an actual english term O.o)

i wish for so many selfish things.
maybe i am selfish after all.

Grace ♥ 11:49 m.d.

i've been thinking alot lately. like, really. alot. too much, in fact, that i don't quite know what i'm thinking of anymore.

the scariest thought of all, is that i'm enjoying work more than anything else in life. is that even logical? at Starbucks, it really is a family, where people genuinely care, and i feel valued. hell, there is zero condemnation at Starbucks, i am useful and have a certain tinge of senority despite being the new one. and over here, people listen, people help, people bother. i mean, sure, yeah, we have politics or whatever, but still. and i love it, because it shows how human we really are and that we're not just automated happy androids who scream "HELLO WELCOME TO STARBUCKS!" everytime some customer comes waltzing in. and i love it that there are people who watch my back. they watch out for me, not watch me.

besides that, i'm freaked out about how soon school is starting. i figure i've always known that CMM would be competitive, but it has only just struck me exactly how competitive it will be. furthermore, it'll be a whole new class of people, entirely different lifestyle.... and i wonder how i'll adapt. and i'm afraid cos i don't know what will happen. ah, i've always been like that, i suppose.... fearful of all the uncertainties.

uncertainties.
the future.
all at God's disposal.
or imposal. if there's such a word.

uncertainties.
the future.
my.
friggin'.
schedule.

saturday- 11-2/music practice
2-4/meet with Hanies my aunty
4-10/YM service&post party

sunday- 9-10/CE
10-1/dance performance(!)
1-6/???
6.30-2 @ Starbucks

so i've a huge blank on sunday.. i'm thinking between going to pick up the people coming back from UK or going elsewhere and being a hermit. it seems that now a days, i've had no moods for anybody but small groups. i super can't be bothered with a crowd of three million people, with everybody talking at one time, and nothing being done. horrible right, me? :( but i can't help it. haha i have hermit crab days. OR, i could cover syaqy and start work at 4 instead.

:( i'm unhappy, but can't say why.
:( bah.
:( am i really such a horrid being to be thinking these thoughts?
:( as much as i am happy for you, i can't help but be annoyed at how you rub it in.
:( and i'm also _________ as hell, and can't say a thing.
:( bah.
:( don't wanna talk/think about it.
:( i'm horrible. i should be happy for you, shouldn't i? i dunno i dunno.

AIKEY CHIA!!! WE ARE so GOING TO SENTOSA YOU HEAR ME?!?!? eh eh next week can!??! :) i need the sun. i am beyond Japanese now. i'm.... translucent! hahah :)

BFF!!!! i love you! and we are SO gonna rock this domestic goddess thing! hahah eh eh! we can have picnic!!!! we can cook then pack food then go eat! and we can save money like that also!!! :))))))) hahaha yes yes hong kong, if we have enough ka-ching and if our parents say yes la eh?! :) so exciting!!!

off to sleep before i get scolded by a certain somebody again. hahaha. you can trust me when i say one hour la ok! :)



They had insisted that she was not put under general anesthesia. They had cited their reasons, saying that they wanted her to return to her job later on that night, to recover whatever money was spent on the operation that day. Personally, she felt that they had insisted on the use of only local anesthesia, simply because they wanted to punish her, to make her feel as much of the excruciating pain as possible.

She sat reclined on the stainless steel operating table, and she felt the cold of the heartless metal piercing through the thin robe and branding her skin with a brand of its own. She felt her humanity ebb out of her at the same rate her body warmth left her. She knew that soon, all she would be, would be nothing more than a body. A body with no soul, no mind, no control. She felt the tears well up in her eyes, but she lifted her chin in sordid defiance, determined not to show any sign of weakness. A woman of her career had no time for pity parties. And she was not about to allow them to have the pleasure of seeing her crumble.

The doctor's instructions and words floated past her, simply background music to a cheerless mime. He prodded her legs open and she simply complied, knowing that nothing she did or say could change things. She kept absolute still and absolute silent. She had frozen in her position, but the doctor mistook is as a steady calm. He probed inside her, and she hardly flinched, she was after all, a mere prostitute. What would it matter that yet another man was inside of her?

He inserted a metal rod, and before she knew it, water started trickling down her open legs. She gaped in horror as the clear liquid turned a petrifying crimson, and she watched as her life bled out, right in front of her. Helpless, she sat in silence, this time unable to hold back the tears which were now flowing freely down the curves of her cheeks. She let out a bloodcurdling scream as she felt the life inside of her get crushed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" she yelled, clutching at the doctor's shoulders, shaking him with a vehement force she never knew she was capable of.

"Don't take my baby from me, my baby, my baby..." she cried, blood and tears flowing out of her at an alarming rate. She grabbed at the doctor who scooted out of reach as he bellowed for the nurses' help. In a collective effort, they tried to calm her down, but it was virtually impossible. Sh rocked herself, back and forth, back and forth, until she had passed out from the pain and the knowledge of the death within her.

When she opened her eyes, she was back in the temporary ward. She put her hand to her abdomen and she knew, she knew, that she was empty, once again. The life inside her was gone. Her baby. The boy she was in love with, the boy she knew so much about, yet she had never seen him before. Now she knew what it meant to love someone before she met him. That boy band song wasn't entirely bullshit, after all, she thought bitterly. "I knew i loved you before i met you." she whispered. "Oh baby boy, i loved you so."

All she could think of, was how someone so precious had been ripped out of her. They had told her over and over before, that should she ever be impregnated by a client, she should never grow an emotional attachment to the fetus, but should abort it immediately. But she had held on to this one child, with an overwhelming love like she'd never known before. They had told her, to prepare her, to "cushion" the painful goodbye. But how could anyone ever be prepared enough to say goodbye to their heart? How could you ever be ready to tear out a part of you and say goodbye as you bury this precious thing in the unfeeling ground? The goodbye, she had known would come, but inside she knew, she would never be the same again. Along with her baby, she had died.

After all, he had been inside her, a part of her, up to the point where mother and child became one. You could never really separate the two. The moment he had been conceived, they had snaked their ways into each other's lives, until they were homogeneous. A physical separation of one from the other, would mean the murder of both. One precious life, destroyed yet the other.

If you loved someone, you would let them go. But if you do let them go, you'd be letting yourself go with them too. Because you simply cannot bid goodbye to yourself. The people you love, they become a part of you. Them, you can never eradicate.

Sh shuddered as she composed herself, readying herself for the night to come. Life simply went on, after all. Even if you've just attended the funeral for your own heart. She braced herself and steeled her mind, knowing that she'd be spending the rest of the night making other men happy in her own bed. Knowing, with disgust, that the dirty money she would earn would be taken away by Them. An irony, considering that she's selling her body to pay for her own death.

Grace ♥ 2:02 p.d.

for the first time in quite awhile, today was a good day :) in fact, today was a fantastic day! :D

i cooked my own lunch. HAHAHHAHA and i'm not talking about instant noodles y'all! :) hahah domestic goddess or what? hee three million cheers for Grace the potential housewife. (from my excitement over cooking ONE meal, you can tell that i'm really a terrible housewife type. but i'm trying!) so yeah, i cooked, ate, washed up, then headed to work.

we were shifting the stuff in the new store today :) i can't describe the pride there is in being able to say i pioneered V2 :) it's like, something i helped start! and i loved the feeling when i walked in to that place when it was all boarded up. to other people, it's like no-entry, but i can walk in like it's my own house :) it kinda is actually.. my family. HAHAH LIKE SO DRAMA MAMA LIKE THAT HUH?! but really, the people are family to the maximum! right down to the politics. hahah Mr Wet Blanket told me to keep dreaming of my perfect world where there are zero politics. pfffffft. you bubble poker you!

there's this race-war going on. haha i'm Chinese by default but i somehow click with my Malay friends very well (same as in secondary school) and so, i'm stuck in between the two groups. haha but i love them all so it's tough. i'm not gonna make any choices but i do hope they friggin' shut up and quit squabbling like so. we'd have more fun if we were all happy happy noodle eh? (at this point, chuan sticks out his itchy finger and bursts my bubble, "keep dreaming ah huh" BASKET.)

i have a few pictures from today :) i shall put em up after this.

OH! we had family supper today, and we didn't fight AT ALL! :) it was so fun i say. we rarely have fun like that anymore. we took photos using the self-timer on my canon ixus and haha ya had fun la :) oh so rare now...

i've been thinking about alot of things lately.. and they are one of those questions which make you REALLY think and it's too tiring so i give up thinking after all. haha ah well, me.

many loves to Isaac, Sean, Ian and Benji for dropping by to say hi :) i love you!

OH YES! i've got a pay rise :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

okay now pictures! :D














okay, dah. tired LIAO. goodnight :) i can't wait for tomorrow night! i'll charge my phone in anticipation :D okay okay bye bye i'm off to bed. i think. hee!

Grace ♥ 1:48 p.d.

let's see... while my cool and exciting friends were at JB being cool and SHOPPING, i was stuck here in our minute sunny island, enjoying the glories of this little red dot. (man i wish i could've been at JB with you people!!)

i:
-slept in and woke up at 1
-recieved a message from my boss giving me my schedule from hell
-had a scream out with dad
-made up with dad
-went to TM to watch Vantage point. with dad
-met Ben momentarily. with dad
-picked up the bike
-dropped by VC to pass Haffiz something
-stayed to talk with the beloved people at VC
-came home and lazed around
-cooked my own dinner


HOW EXCITING MANXZ!!! :(

haha. talk about sour grapes, me.

i have a ginormous headache now :( pfffft.

so anyway, i ended up sleeping at 4 this morning because i was too engrossed with Jodi Picoult. HAHAHAHAHAH wowee i'm a fine example of a bookworm :) hee i hope that when i become a novelist in the near future, my stories will have this effect on people. it's amazing how a book, made up of words can captivate me, can make me cry, cause me to laugh, make me stay up all night long. i wanna be able to write like that!

ALL OF YOU JB PEOPLE!!! must tell me how the trip went ok? :) i want ALL the juicy details! the people who got lost, the stupid jokes, who slept on the journey, who ogled at which Malaysian beauty, which person bought what, how much you all spent, what you ate, who lost a shoe while running around butt naked in the streets of our neighbouring country :) i wanna know EVERYTHING! :) cos i'm kaypoh like that.

here's my life, then i'm off to indulge myself in another book!

wednesday: 3-9 (shift store)
thursday: 3-10 (shift store)
friday: closing
saturday: morning/mid, YM post party
sunday: CE class, performance at Siglap South CC, closing

wah siao can die. but just think, Grace... imagine all the money! :) the pay that will come rolling in on the 7th April. yessah!!!!!! then i can get more Jodi Picoults. hahahah ok this is obsession. not good not good

i need to lose weight
i need to do my to-do list
i need to start on my novel
i need to remember what it's like to be alone

oh i am a pro at drying my hair now! :) really i'm awesome at it! haha just gimme 5 minutes and it's done :) YAY!

Grace ♥ 11:20 m.d.

He did not necessarily agree with Verona MacBean's vision of hell. It could be much simpler than the theologians seemed to believe. You know you were damned when you went to sleep at night, and you kept seeing the love of your life just at the reach of an arm's length, but every time you went to touch her face, she vanished like a reflection in the pond.
--adapted from Jodi Picoult, Mercy.


Jodi Picoult is a genius. I am going to buy and read every single one of her books, even if it kills me. Even though my birthday is 5 months away (hahahhaah) i will tell you now what to buy so you don't end up getting me useless things ok? :) you can get me pens, plain journals to write in and scribble my ideas for the novels, and you can get me Jodi Picoult's books :D although, check with me which titles i have first ok?

wah i damn thick-skinned.

but really, i get jealous at the most pathetic things. i disgust myself. it makes me wonder how selfish can i really be? how much would i go for one i claim to love? how much would i bend in order to prevent someone else from breaking? and how much will i bend another, to make sure i myself won't break?

the saying that "if you really love somebody, you'd let him/her go." is it true? would i really? would you really? i mean, think about it. you love this person. but because you love him, you'd let him go? if love is so sad, then why does everyone fall in love?

i'm being a total hussy right now. so i shall not say anything to reveal what i'm thinking. haha i scorn my thoughts.

i was out with Char today :) cut hair, drop by at aikey's, dinner, mlm.... :) i love you char!

alex's ex girlfriend thought i was his new girlfriend, so she checked up on me on friendster (seeing that you can't view people's profiles on facebook) and so i dropped her a message. hahah what a weird thing i did right? well i just told her that alex and i are not together, and i told her to cheer up and not let him break her heart too much. i don't know la. i just felt the need to clear my name, i don't like being accused of what's not true.

but after i told her not to let him break her heart too much, i realized i was saying something i know that even i cannot do. how do you not let a person break your heart too much?

a scary thing, love is. loving is quite like giving someone the power and ability to protect your heart completely, or to destroy it utterly. i'm quite well-protected, thank God.

aye well, i'm off to sleep :) i am tired and Jodi Picoult has gotten my head spinning on philosophies. and i've been thinking about my to-do list since MLM. very difficult to categorize things into their respective quadrants. AND Jeremiah asked me why my status was "it's complicated" on facebook. HAHAHHAHA how to explain that?

brain's are fried. i'm off! :D

Grace ♥ 2:47 p.d.

i'm embarking on a new quest in life :) and i'm not quite alone in this... so.... yep :) let's just hope this turns out for the better, and that it'll be beyond worth it. hey ho away we go!!! :D


my linguistic abilities have been thrown away to the bottoms of the atlantic oceans, and seemingly, i am unable to create poetry like before, i am unable to describe life like before. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?! i am losing all sense of eloquence and this is hardly becoming of an aspiring writer! i think i am hanging out too much with brainless people with a lousy command of the English language. hahaha TSK ALL OF YOU AH!

anyway, i told B that i have a boyfriend today. and he promptly stopped messaging me. HAHAHAHAH see! all these boys. useless. "just wanna be friends" my ass. so now i have to remember that i have a boyfriend who asked me to be his girlfriend on friday, but i said yes today. AND SO! my pseudo anniversary with the imaginary boyfriend is... um, 23rd March 2008. people, PLEASE remind me!


i shall have to create a pseudo persona for this boyfriend, or i shall get one of you to pretend for me. HAHAHAH so exciting, deceiving people like that. maybe i might as well tell them i'm a mother of a two year old son named Perez, and his father left us when i was pregnant in 2006. how's that sound eh? hahahhaha ok ok i'm thinking too much.

so tomorrow i'll be meeting up with my girls :) LOVE IT! and we shall have fun before heading for MLM in which i am in trouble because i have not done my work :( die die die die die pastor mark will slaughter me with a butter knife. oh what a slow and painful death!

oh today we performed in church.. i honestly felt that it was crap but watching the video proved that we weren't entirely crap.. just not up to standard :( but ah well, it's all for the glory of God. and whatever happened, was by God's grace.

then we had baptismal party today :) which went well i suppose.. i didn't register for the lunch thing, and anyway, vicky's friend, kenneth, came today so i went with manuel, vicky and kenneth to beer for lunch :) we had SO much fun.. i love love them three! after beer we headed to SBJJ (starbucks, jalan jamal) to slack and drink fraps :D we laugh, joke, do stupid things... and it felt so so natural to be talking to kenneth. it felt like i've known him for as long as i've known manuel and/or vicky. i do hope he comes back to church! he'd make a fantastic friend, seeing that he's intellectual AND retarded. difficult to find people like that nowadays..

OH! manuel said he's going to NS soon. like, either this december, next january or next april. O.o!!! SO FAST!! i've known this boy for like, 8 years, and to be honest, i had a MAJOR crush on him and we were "together" like, 6 years ago. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THIS GUNDU IS GOING TO NS!!! O.o darling, time pasts way way fast...

okay i wanna go liao. bye bye. i love you all, you little sea urchins!

Grace ♥ 11:59 m.d.

1) i wanted to post up yesterday's pictures (minus those of me) but i figured i'm too lazy. so, meh! HAHAHAH SO MY NARCISSISM DOMINATES MY BLOG!!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!! i'm delirious, i know.


2) i bought boy trunks today from topman AND I DON'T LIKE THEM :( wah i mega don't like them. they are pretty as hell, but weird as hell. DOES ANYONE WANT THEM?! i give you! haha they're size M, in case you're wondering. i bought them in M thinking they'd be baggy and comfy, but they are so weird! i am NEVER EVER EVER buying trunks again! remind me to only buy shorts and not trunks. trunks are...........odd. [edit: i found my boxer dustbin so it's okay :) given away LIAO]


3) i went lingerie shopping!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) i buy alot alot of colours :) pretty pretty, i like!! QUEKS! I SHALL SHOW YOU SOON!!! :) :) :)


4) my feet have passed away. you are all invited to the funeral of The Feet. they died a sad, tragic but heroic death. fighting in battle with The Wedges, they fought hard and long. unfortunately for them, the good guys do not always win, and so.. they lost. (i think it also has to do with me putting on weight. so when i put on weight right, my feet can't take it and they died.)


5) i didn't see Aiken today:( i miss you unckly!


6) YING CHUAN CALLED ME FAT TODAY!!!! :( :( :( FAT ASS YOURSELF!!! hahahahahahha kidding. you know right, i was trying to squeeze on to the crate and there was this small space. so i was gingerly stepping into the space then he said, "girl, you know, you're not that slim." WAHLAU WANNA DIE AH HUH??!?!?! :/ grrr!!! whack your forehead then you know. see? i need to lose weight after all.


7) Gaius was silly today. hahah he was trying to use me to make the younger girls jealous. haha dude........ we are so meant to be! and thank God you cut your hair. i was beginning to want to pull your hair out, chunk by chunk. OH! we braided our hair today, Gaius and i :) and we braided it together! like his hair and my hair in one braid. HAHAHAHA damn retarded. you should've seen us, i can't describe it.


8) I WANT THAT PAIR OF UBER GORGEOUS ORIENTAL HEELS!!! WHY THE HELL DO THEY ALWAYS ALWAYS NOT. HAVE. MY. SIZE?!?!??!?!?! dammit. they
have up to 37. which is pathetic cos i'm a, 39? 38? so it's just one or two sizes away and they don't have it!??!?!?!?!? what the bleah?! :( the heels were of this lovely fabric, with oriental embroidery (in turquoise or maroon) and they had a china collar button on the front (it's open toed) and it has a high, slim heel (almost stiletto) and ON the heel, are oriental carvings. CARVINGS! gorgeous i say!

i saw them last year and started salivating over them, but last year, they cos $109 so i couldn't bring myself to buy them. today, they only cost $39.90 cos they were on SALE!!! BUT THEY DON'T HAVE MY FRIGGIN' SIZE!!!!!!!!!!! pfffft.


9) okay i'm going to sleep. work tomorrow, then YM, then YA, then sunday's a long long day full of dance dance dance and more dance


10) work next week is insane. really really insane :))))) hell yeah! bring it on, haffiz!! :) i'm gonna be mega shagged, and the world is going to worry about me, but i can't explain how excited i am :)


11) i wish ___ would stop bugging me cos she's really clingy and it's annoying the hell outta me. AND i heard she's got lesbian tendencies o.O not that i have anything against lesbians, i just don't want a lesbian stalker you know?


12) in Rome, do as Romans do? or would that make us two-faced?


13) i had another question but i forgot what.

okay i'm really gone now. bye bye!!!


P.S. i love you

P.P.S. vaness, we are for life yo! :) you and me, happy bffamily!! we can drink pink (ke) dolphin (ke) all our lives until we live in the same house with a fireman pole joining our house. okay? :) love you! (oooh! and we can book shop and clothes shop and grocery shop too!!)

P.P.P.S. shenna ho! forever and ever, babe, wo zai ze li! mao ye zai ze li! war eye knee!

Grace ♥ 10:25 m.d.

okay hello :) i had loads of fun today, starting with brunch with daddy, heading to SATA to pick up stuff, going to TP to drop off the medical report, meeting Sean at bedok, going to church/starbucks for the meeting, bumping into Isaac :) and Chuan :) then running over to vivo to meet the workies :D

today's bundle of joy consisted of alex vince jo brandon and myself.. ezra (ellie's friend) came and joined us later and he was HILARIOUS! he's a PK too so we just jabbered on and on in PK psychobabble :)

we were all late, lazed around, played pool, i LET alex trash me in daytona and air hockey (haha okay la, i just suck at all these stuff), then we played pool some more, then we watched Semi Pro (damn stupid but i loved the show! 3.5/5 i'd say) then they ate then we slack then i run home.

and we also camwhored!! haha for the first time, i was not the only photographer!! :) yay ness! so i actually have candid shots of myself! haha ok ok because i'm feeling very narcissistic today, i'm gonna put the nicer pictures of ME up first. hahahah the rest of the random and ugly pictures of me shall be thrown up tomorrow! :)

if you can't take my zi-lian ness, you can stop reading right about....... now :D


PICTURES!!!! HEE HEE HEE HEE I'M A RETARD Y'ALL!!!

this one is candid, i promise!


hahah i'm a pool pro!!!!! :DDDDD
ok.
so i lost all the games.
but it's ok.
i'm still cool at pool!
hahahahha




if there is a cake in narcissism, this picture takes it! it's really narcissist to the MAX SIA!!!


TADAH!!!
so Victoria Beckham right? HAHAHHAHAHAH
but Asian.
and fatter.
ooooooh
i LOVE! laughing at myself! :DDD
i think this picture is hilarious, no? hahahah
*cue: insane laughter from imaginary crowd


you can take your attitude and walk out the door. i don't need it, and no, i don't think you're funny or cool. you, dipshit. i give up on you. go fend for your own life. i'm not your keeper.

Grace ♥ 1:05 p.d.

i am a whale.
i am a walrus.
i am an overstuffed pineapple tart.
i am *GASP* .................. fat.

:( i have gained weight to the point where it is NOT funny anymore. it is no longer a joking matter, or a oooh-look-at-my-fats thing. it is now a OH-MY-GOODNESS-I-FRIGGIN-NEED-LIPO!!! and cell steamboat at my place did not help things. i really have to start losing weight... this weight gain is starting to be visible :( which is beyond sick. it is obscene and should not have anything to do with the likes of me.

ALEX YOU KU KU NADEN YOU BETTER MESSAGE US NOW OR ELSE TOMORROW YOU CAN GO WATCH MOVIE ALONE WHILE THE REST OF US GO DO SOMETHING ELSE LIKE SIMULTANEOUSLY SELF-COMBUST OKAY?!?! hurry hurry i need to plan my schedule one lorxszxzszx

i feel am fat.

why is it so easy to gain weight but so hard to lose it? :( why can't i have been born as one of those eat-what-i-want-and-still-be-size-zero girls? (not that i want to be size zero, i kinda want my curves. the right curves la.) watching my diet is the most tiring (and unachievable) things ever.

okay okay enough ranting. i have an early day tomorrow! morning warrants my presence at SATA, then i'm contemplating between heading down to TP to hand it in or sending it via slow mail(?) then ym camp meeting, then meeting up with the people to do dunno what. then friday's good friday then dance, then saturday's work then church, then sunday's ce then performance then dance.

woooosh!

my week will soon be over.


they say quitters never win
we walked the plank on a sinking ship
there's a world outside of my front door
that gets off on being down

Grace ♥ 12:10 p.d.

so get back, back, back to the disaster
my heart's beating faster
holding on to feel the same



i think i'm PMSing, and the slightest of all things trigger a waterfall of emotions. or maybe it's the rain. i swear it's the rain. oh God, please let it be the rain.

Grace ♥ 2:59 m.d.

oh hello!

daddy and i slept in today. i was so surprised to find that he was still asleep when i had woken up. i woke up twice, actually. once at 9am when this idiot of a China woman called the house and blabbered on in Mandarin in her Chinese accent (which means i understood zilch of what she said) and then i hung up on her cos i was so uber pissed. and then i woke up again at 1 plus where i barged in on daddy only to find him snoring. pffffft.

we lazed around before deciding to go watch a movie. we watched, HAHA, waterhorse. so lousy right? horrid show. so long and draggy. tsk. waste of a good 14 bucks. AND the place was freezing. not funny ok? 2 hours in that freezing dark room. thank God that at least the seats were comfy.

i left daddy by his lonesome at about, 7? then i SHOPPED!!! haha horrible, me.

i blew a hundred bucks today (which is equivalent to twenty hours' worth of work) 50 on clothes and 50 on books... i'm submitting my atm card to mummy. this thing with me and an open gateway to my bank account.... it's not working out. haha and i just might get kidnap by this person who sincerely resents my spending of money. i might just have to ask him to kidnap me too, to save me from myself.

so yay, i'm going to curl up in bed, no not to cry, but to read a book :) mummy was screaming at me for buying more books, citing that it is more economically friendly to borrow books from a library.

1. library books are not new
2. library books are not mine
3. i cannot curl up in bed with a library book cos they're smelly
4. library books mean datelines. (not that i can't meet them, i just don't like the feeling that i have a dateline. i hate datelines. i'd rather read at ease and freedom.)
5. library books have weird dog eared pages and all... disgusting i say.

it's funny how a little message makes everything alright again :)

but still.

i'm away from work for the whole of this week :( rar!!!! i wanna make coffee and talk to retards over the counter. this is not cool..

OH! i am now broke. hahahah

i have to go collect my medical report tomorrow then send it to TP, then i have piano lessons from 5-6.30pm, then i have cell prayer/steamboat at my place. OKAY! I AM OFF TO READ AND TRY TO SLEEP! byebye

Grace ♥ 10:43 m.d.

this sucks. i don't know what to do now, but to curl up in bed and cry.

Grace ♥ 2:32 p.d.

greatest lesson learned on the 16th March 2008:






dui bu qi.
and thank you.

Grace ♥ 11:23 m.d.

Grace ♥ 1:22 m.d.

my aunty tagged me in this photo..
that girl in the bottom right hand corner?
yep! that's me!! :)
i was so darned cute right?
keyword: was.



my body is in ruins, my mind is on the verge of being fried, and my heart's gone crazy. ploppaloppalop. i accredit this to the midnight cycling. haha :) albeit, i had fun. but still, it is physically and mentally wrecking. that's me now! a wreck.

you'd think that having cycled for who knows how far, i'd have at least lost some weight. but no, not a single ounce of fat is shed. SHITAKE! but at least, it was healthy lifestyle (minus the late night/early morning snacks)

i am tempted to shop. sorely tempted to buy those shades from river island. and also tempted to do a million other things. i shall fight all temptations! (with exception of the river island shades. i've been thinking about it for a month!)

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! really need to lose weight. i don't want to be stick-skinny, but i don't want my tummy, and i want to feel confident. i want to feel beautiful, even when no one else can make me feel beautiful. after all, i'd have to fend for myself for awhile longer. lose Mr Tumms, gracie, lose him. kill him. murder him in cold blood.

my palms are bruised, my butt bone is sore, i'm broke, i'm feeling fat like hell, and i need to sleep. now. goodbye :D

Grace ♥ 11:41 m.d.

if my silence would gaurantee his safety, i'd shut up forever. trust me when i say so. alot of things happened today, and i'm not sure how badly i've screwed up. but all i want is to fall asleep and wake up knowing that suddenly everything's okay. but haha yeah, fat hope. Shakespeare's brilliant. he described sleep as "nature's balm". oh yes indeedydo. it's God's way of giving us a break from reality. but sometimes, the lines between reality and surreality blurs, and i find myself standing in the midst of the million shades of grey in between.

Gravity. It pulls us towards the core of the earth. It draws us, ruthlessly, helpfully. It renders us helpless, lured towards the hot, hard centre of this world, yanking us towards its axis. We are unable to defy it, unable to resist its charms. Gravity. It seduces us, and we have no chice but to yield to it or be thrown off the face of this world.

This same Gravity which appeals so much to us, causes our shoes to wear and tear. Everyday, a little bit more of me is worn off. Every step i take causes that much more of me to be rubbed away. Over time, all the lines at the bottom is rubbed off and all that is left is the plain, black, empty sole. Smooth and seamless, having no grip at all. No grip on life, reality, truth. No grip on hope. Wear and tear: they wear me down eventually. And when i try to walk, i find myself falling, falling, helplessly falling. And all along, i thought this was a shoe-in.

I don't understand
I can't comprehend
Things, they remain
Reason, insane
No thing of fancy
No time for dancing

my thoughts are in a muddle, you can practically make a frappuccino out of my mind. how do i hang on, when the people telling me to hang on, are the people who are grabbing me and pushing me off a cliff? a self-made cliff, yes i agree, however, i don't deem it neccessary to fall right off it. and i have no intentions to be pushed off either.

i'm sick and bloody tired of living up to other people's expectations. i hate how i keep feeling this pressing need to be perfect, to make everyone happy. i don't want to be perfect. i just want to be the best i can be.

i don't dare to love anymore. the people i love always end up getting hurt. either that or they end up hurting me. i honestly don't mind being the one hurt, but why must you hurt the people i love? why must you pressure the one i love so much? i'd pretend to stop loving him, if it would stop the pain. i'm great a pretending, i already am.

She wrote his name with her fingernail, scratching his initials in the palm of her hand. She felt a slight burn as she dug her nail into her flash. Every stroke was her wish that he would come back to her. She traced his initials over and over again, meaning to dig a permanent grove so that she could keep him in her forever. A door slammed and startled her. She sat up and a manic trance overcame her. She clenched her fist tightly, knuckles going white with the intensity, and creating halfmoons with her fingernails. She held her fist to her heart and tried to protect him in her palm. After awhile, she gingerly opened her palm and his name was no longer in her hand. A slow smile spread across her face, because you see, he had gone from her hand and now is in her heart, forever.

i am exhausted. and so.... i'm going to sleep.

tomorrow entails service, lunch, a shortwhile to slack a little and do up my enrollment package, then i'm off to (oh thank God) work :D i look forward to 5pm. i really really do.

i want my life back.
i want to be happy.
is that too much to ask?

apparently.

Grace ♥ 11:56 m.d.

so hi, my name's Nostalgia.


my laptop is off getting repaired to be sold AWAAYYYYYYY and daddy's off at some compy fair (sitex i think) to get me a new lappie! :) oh joy!! (no, no, not high maintenance.) so this eplais the lack of bloggingness and online activities.

i still can't check my e-mail (cos i'm so cool i use m.outlook) and i'm stealing a few moments on daddy's desktop so i can let loose some emotions. hee. so sneaky sneaky right?

-do you blog just to show off? cos that's just juvenile
-and you, if you want to, JUST ASK ME OUT. don't try lame tricks like insinuating things so that i'll feel bad and ask you out. i may not have a very nocturnal life and be as "cool" as you (cool is such an uncool word, by the way. shens and i figured that out sometime in 207) but at least i have a life.
-AND! YOU! friend or foe? sucker. you let me cry on you and yadah yadah and then you go behind my back and bitch about me. WOW thanks, moron.

ok sorry i had to uhm say all that. just had to. you know what i mean?

anyway, I LOVE WORK!!!! :D

it's the kind of thing you do and then time flies and then i go "huh... must leave already ah?" :) the people i work with are insanely fun, the people i meet are insanely fun, the coffee we make is sedap and fun too!! so yes. i love work. even if they pay me peanuts. and even if i spend more in a day than i earn in a week.

monday was work then MLM, then tuesday i was out with daddy, out by myself, out for a meeting then out with shenna:) i like, i like. i'm starting to love productive days, tau?

daddy and i went lappie shopping on tuesday, but after some time.... i just couldn't stand it. too much technology for me. so i plead tiredness and headed off on my own, utterly aimless. i decided to act like a tourist (should've brought daddy's SLR) and ended up at esplanade, then finally suntec's SB where i got coffee and read Jodi Picoult.

wednesday was work (!!!!!) where i got hit on by Some Old Ang Moh (SOAM) but Alex saved me (haha) and Ken threw away the SOAM's namecard for me. hahah :) goodness i love my friends. although i do need to find someone to be my fall guy, so that Alex doesn't get the wrong idea. time to find a pseudo boyfriend!

after work was piano then i met up with Shaun and we talk talk file file eat eat laugh laugh then i had to go home to et a jab wherein which i freaked out. hahahahahahahahahah scary, tau?

only yours, i say.

i had an okay sleep, woke up alot later than i've been waking up, and bar test is later at 4pm, but i think i'll go down at 3 plus to disturb the other friends. haha :) i'm off! to think about morbid thoughts like abortion, what-ifs, etc etc. BYEBYE! I LOVE YOU!

Grace ♥ 12:25 m.d.

so, wassup y'all.

i hate having my period. it ruins me. it tires me out.

and i have to weasel out of work on tuesday so i can go tan at sentosa. i also have to lose weight NOW so i can go tan at sentosa.

i was watching dirty dancing. then there was this scene where the mom slapped the girl and she ran away from home. when she returned home the next day, her father simply stood there with his arms opened wide and she ran into his embrace.

i think God's love is just like that. you might run away because you feel wronged, or because you are wrong, but when you run home to Him, He simply stands there with His arms opened wide, and you just run straight into Him as He holds you tight in His embrace.

i'm holding on to You
i'm holding on for you

suddenly my life is placed before me, and tremendous decisions are left for me to make. i've always been pretty indecisive, but i've no choice but to decide on this one. i've got two choices. A) fight B) flight. but its pretty obvious which answer i'd pick. it's not something i'd flip a coin to decide about. it's relatively straightforward. on one hand, i'm not made of haematite, but on the other, i'm no pushover either.

i've got quite alot of reasons to hold on. for you, for You, for me, for my future, so that they cannot say "we told you so". for all these reasons and more, i'll not give up. i'll fight to the end. someone special once told me, "there's always a happy ending". wise words, Shaun :) i'll make my happy ending happen.

dance today was such a blessing. stuff happened before dance, which pretty much ruined my day and left me in shreds. i've never felt such tiredness, such helplessness. i was honestly dishevelled, with a splitting headache and a leaking uterus and tear laden eyes, and all the joy of a potato.

but being at dance, pushing myself to physical limits, literally stretching beyond what i thought i could, it was all so freeing. there i go again, defense mechanisms, running away in yet another art form. as i danced, pespired, everything melted away. all that mattered was the chreography, the team dynamics, the lockin' poppin' and all that in between. while dancing, all i saw was my reflection in the mirror and the God i'm dancing for. while dancing, all i heard was the music and the constant 5-6-7-8s, no taunting, no berating, no one telling what to do, but simply following what i know how to do.

liberating. absolutely liberating. to know that my every step is planned. even when we had the area of freestlying, i knew what i was doing, and i was certain that anything i did was okay, everything i did was right.

dance, where i could literally dance my problems away. step by step, sweat by sweat, freedom.

i thank God that He has given me many faucets to escape. dance, music, reading, writing, swings, sleep, the beach, that park, work, the people....

i still don't know what to do. but i guess i feel better now.

thank you to Vaness, Shaun, Chuan, Lukie.. i love you all, incredibly much. thank you for being there for me today..

and thank you Isaac, for being the lovable and loving person you are.. and for taking time out to just be with me, to listen, to advice, to talk, to laugh, to ramble, to rant. i love you :)


i'm hurting quite badly, that much i admit.
but one thing i won't, and that's defeat.
i've got perseverance more than i show
i'll prove you i'm more than you ever know.

Grace ♥ 12:36 p.d.