tonight i holed myself up at a secret location for a good 5-6 hours, just doing all the things i have to do, catching up on my scholastic life and working on designs that are way overdue. for the first time in awhile, we had zero contact the whole day and weirdly i was perfectly fine with it. like, it didn't even occur to me. it was only when you called at night, when i couldn't bear to hang up. yet you were eager to go off. perhaps you were tired.

this sem looks like one clouded in literature and art. i cheer for the revival of literature in my life. in ways, it has never been dead. just not so alive.

i really need to sleep better. and to work out my timing. i'm so disorientated from school, i've completely lost my balance. now is not a good time to demand anything out of me, so friends, authorities, loves, please try not to ask me for anything. all i can give you are my condolences.

i am trying to live on my allowance. but that has not been going well. my savings are fast depleting. i need another source of income.

i am barely coherent, i do not even know why i am blogging. it is highly un-necessary. but just the way i am, i guess, un-necessary.

but i do, i do. i do love you. love is a construct. it is a construct that can never be a variable because love cannot be measured, and therefore cannot have an operational definition. (i am so going to ace BMR. eat my dust losers.) so love, cannot be measured. and i know i love you. i will always love you. i have always loved you. even if it means i cry, even if it means i lose part of who i am to be with you, even if it changes me, i love you. i had no idea that love would be this difficult. but i guess i don't regret loving you. if i ever stop loving you, then i would regret.

vaness i miss you really badly ): i miss having you as my BFF. you are a BFF like no other. i want to cry, at this point. because i remember the times we used to have. and damn it that we no longer have them ):

dear Z, (not you zam) i read your poem. over and over, i read your poem. you are such a genius with the way you structured it. you are my modern day shakespeare. i also read your pain. over and over, i read your pain. i am so sorry. i never meant to hurt you that way, you were never meant to love me. we were strangers. we are strangers. i don't know if you'll read this, but it has been on my conscience the past year. for what it is worth (or not) i am sorry. have a great life.

dear D, i am sorry too. that you did not find the love i did. i am sorry for the pain i caused in that period. i am sorry for the pain every one has caused you in your life. i pray that you recover, and that you hurt no more. i am not your enemy. i do not like you. but i do not hate you. we have a riddle, don't we? i love you, but i don't like you. i'm being too honest, but its not like you'd ever know. anyway. sorry for before.

i have accomplished alot today.
but it feels like i've done nothing.

i am going to the gym tomorrow, then i will tan, then i will attempt to overcome my fear of the unknown waters, then i will go to school, then i will walk myself to tuition, then i will come home, then i will sleep.

friday will come before i know, and i can feel your arms around me again, your fingers wrapped in mine. yes i will.


the slowest form of suicide is breathing.


[edit] i woke up late and totally missed my gym/swim/tan session dammit.

Grace ♥ 1:10 p.d.

this song is my anthem for the season. it has gotten me through so much, and i am holding on the truth in its lyrics, to know that the voice of God resonates through this beautiful song written through men. yes indeed, this song is my anthem.

life has been going in circles, i feel. a never ending cycle, turning slowly on its creaking hinges, yet moving so fast i barely know how many cycles it has made. round and round a merry go round. haha it is quite funny, but i must admit i get dizzy and lose focus at times. but the amazing thing is, He's there. He's always there. i stand amazed at His faithfulness. Oh God, how i love You!

so the holidays have ended. it has been an enjoyable 2.25 months.
holidays:
breakthru camp, CRASH, turtle museum, cha cha cha, lydia's 21st, february's party, grandpa's 78th, bye bye Dwight, dance dance, hanging out at chellie's, new hair, simpang with za and hanies, comm meetings galore, GMSS mentoring, meeting up with Queks, dance practice, planning things, renovated my room, meeting OT, LOUD fest, working in church, experiencing the life of a full time youth worker, SBBV BBQ, bumming day, Watchmen with manuel and queks and b, makan fest with Queks and lukie, zoo with family +1, new addition to cell, meeting Amy at her place, GoP booklet, camp planning, weddings weddings weddings, and before i know it, 65 days are over, and now i head back into school's realism.

things have been going good for me i guess, so i've put on weight, tripped up a couple of times, fought with people, fell to pieces, watched my cell fall into shambles, gotten annoyed at God, been too lazy for anything, been too tired for anything, fought with chuan, lost old friends, given up on people, have been given up on.

BUT weight can be lost, i've gotten back on my feet, made up with those i've fought with, pulled myself together, pulled my cell together, fallen in love with God more, am finding new drive to run on, am resting a little more, made up and am ever more in love with chuan, reconnected with some oldies, found hope in new people, have been given hope again. see, my friends.. nothing dark and gloomy about life after all. everything, EVERYTHING has a reflection. and if your photo is too dark, oh honey there is always photoshop. one click works wonders :D

anyway, school looks like its gonna be fun! understanding art is gonna be a riot! and hmm everything else feels exciting. so yes, i am excited for this sem :) after this sem, it's halfway point, 3 more and i'm off to SOT then to university. then i get married. HAHAHAHAHH i can't wait!!! :) life is perking up a little.. spending more time with God works wonders.



time and tide waits for no man
dumb men wait for time and tide



chuan: thank you, my love, my best friend. you've been a constant source of strength for the past 1 year and 9 months or so... there's been ups and downs and plenty of around and arounds, but you're still here. and i am heartened to know that you'll always be :) i am praying for you, darling.. and i strongly, firmly, wholeheartedly believe in you, us, and your family being saved. i love you, baby, more than i would enjoy an all paid trip to the maldives for an infinite time.

queksie: hello lahling i don't know if you still haunt my blog, (i don't even haunt my blog haha) but in case you're reading, i just want you to know that after all these years, we still have something going on :) and indeed you've stuck by me for so long, i don't even know how you can stand me, but thank you, for standing me. i'm glad we've got back a bit of what things used to be like, and i want you to know that you mean alot to me, our relationship means alot, and all these years, your name in my handphone has never changed from "BFF". forever and ever, darling :)

yanyan: you're the best cousin in the world and i'm so so proud of you. i don't know if i've ever told you how much you mean to me, or how you leaving the cell killed me. but it is a huge encouragement to know that you are growing so well where you are, and it splatters a huge smile across my face to see you in ministry. keep loving God unconditionally, and limitlessly, and living the fulfilling life of a true Christian. sometimes when i think of how far you've come, and how much you've grown, i kinda cry abit. haha it's very gay la, but you're just so so precious. and i know you're veyr precious to your parents also, and you, YOU, are the pride of the family. and more than just being family, i'm glad that we've grown to know each other as friends! :) picknick when you're done with your exams okay? :) i have a whole menu planned out already! i love you!

and to all my friends, family, loved ones, close friends, ex-friends, new-friends, not-close-friends, old-friends... thank you for everything. you guys have contributed to who i am today, and i love you all desperately much.

to people like aiken, ben, shenna, lucas, sulynn, isaac, gaius, jarrold, hanies, qiem, zaza, (there are more but i am a horrible friend and i've forgotten) i am sorry if i've never shown how much you really mean, or how precious you really are. i may have forgotten your birthdays, or missed out on dates, or skipped gatherings, or have drifted away somehow or another, and i just want to apologize for being such a lousy-ass friend. please forgive me. i know i don't show it, but i really do treasure you. give me time and opportunities to make it up to you can? i'm sorry :(

Grace ♥ 10:30 m.d.

Grace ♥ 2:45 m.d.

there are a million people i miss and a million things i want to do:

(realistically speaking. if i were dreaming, i'd never end this list)
1) go on a holiday by myself
2) bum the whole day away with chips, ice cream and good movies
3) bake a million cookies and package them nicely and give to random strangers
4) watch Anastasia again
5) read Watchmen while i swing on my hanging chair
6) sit in a bathtub with pretty petals, scented bath salts and mega loads of bubbles and tea
7) hold a proper conversation with you, laugh with you, it's been awhile
8) go for a photography trip again
9) paint a beautiful picture of a lily
10) go tanning with a picnic and good music and books
11) write a decent story
12) create a worthy poem
13) go fishing with my daddy
14) go to the zoo
15) sit in starbucks for 5 hours while rushing out work


things to look forward to in 2009:
a) cell: Operation ReGenesis
b) redang in july
c) church camp in june
d) school: year 2, one more year and i'm done!
e) Christmas
f) daddy's birthday
g) sunday's bum session with sam and z and josh
h) monday: dating day with the boyfriend
i) family holiday, hopefully
j) YA camp in december
k) GoP camp??
l) ascension?
m) my birthday cos i want to psycho my parents to book me a room in a hotel in sentosa and i want to hide there the entire 14th August
n) meet up with Haqiem this week, hopefully
o) overnight cycling tmr


plans for life:
1) no more snacking
2) exercise 3 times a week!
3) be a Christian. real one.


April is 9 days old.
flee, Time, flee

Grace ♥ 12:56 p.d.