i had so much fun yesterday :)

nasi lemak at home while we talked to mummy, sleepy bus ride to vivo, sentosa with its sand and sea, underwater world with all the gorgeous sea beings, contemplation of air brush tattoos (CAN WE PLEASE GET THEM NEXT TIME? HEE HEE), rescuing a pea-chick and then eating cheese fries with mustard and chilli and a coke, objective shopping, happy ride to your home, cooking with your mummy, lovely dinner, kungfu panda and lame movie at my place and then waving goodbye as you rode off into the night on your noisy black horse. all this filled with meaningful and stupid conversations and you punching me square in the nose.

my idea of a good date :)

i'm typing this here so that i don't forget the good times we enjoy, so that in times of rough patches, like before, we can read and reminisce and know that we can do better together :) we've come so far and we've got a long way to go, but i look forward to it :) ngo oi lei!

daddy was one-liner today...

stereo: "Who's lonely now?
Who's lonely now?
What goes up, must come down"
Daddy: "Oh. Poor Who."

me: "daddy can i borrow your computer?"
daddy: "why? what's wrong with yours?"

today was one of the best worship sessions i've ever had at cell.. phenomenally tangible, my God.. He was insane.. but it shows me how there can indeed be the presence of God when His people gather in unity, and it helps me know that even with my kids, there can and will be good cell times in the Spirit and not just in fun and games...

i was discussing with mummy the depressingness of songs, then she was talking about how nursery rhymes are mega depressing too. then she said that that's why she never sang me rockabyebaby or anything like that. so i've decided, i will write my kids songs and i'll sing them to sleep.. yes indeed, i will write happy and hopefull songs for my future children, grandchildren and anyone else's children who wants happy and hopefull songs. maybe if i sing to them about God enough, they will grow up to feel a greater connection with Him. hmm...

i will also write children's books!

TADAH! i have a future! :D
my future is very exciting and multi-faceted.
i need money, time and energy and support.
thank You Lord, for this refreshing time :)

Grace ♥ 10:42 m.d.

mexico


switzerland

egypt

maldives

greece, santorini




all these pretty places to be at, and lovely sights to behold.. i WILL get there! even if i backpack there on my own. hahahah :)




"stronger and prettier than anything"
thank you.. you made my day :)

Grace ♥ 12:52 p.d.

satan you asswipe leave us alone. nothing left to attack right? loser. you suck.


i want to wear a real flower in my hair, roll up my jeans and don an oversized tank top. pull on sunshades and flip flops and walk along the tall grass in some forsaken field of buttercups. all this in full colour, please.. black and white won't do it justice.

4.45pm marked the "end" to one of the most tiring weekends as yet. but this is all training for the future ministry i guess.. dear cell, i'm sorry i wasn't around very much today.. please bear with me?

Grace ♥ 6:02 m.d.

my room is now naked and empty.

it is in the midst of destruction.

funny that it looks the same as when it first started out.

bye bye purple walls.. HELLOOOO CHAMPAGNE!

i want to go out and do photography.

i also want to go tanning.

ooh and a holiday too.

i only found out yesterday that there is actually reception in Ubin o.O

Nat geog is awesome. i wanna work there someday

this is so random

bai bai! bye bye! buy buy! bi bi!

Grace ♥ 12:35 m.d.

my life is starting to get slightly messy.. the past few days have been the roughest thus far.. like all the pillars that hold me up are crumbling away. but i guess, it is good then, not to rest my weight on these manmade pillars, but instead to lean entirely, yield entirely to my One, my Only. there is an inexplicable sense of tiredness. inexplicable.

i wish life were more simple. a lot of things, in order to work in a system, have to be able to be categorized. grey areas are always so complicating, where nothing is absolute but everything has a "to a certain extent". see, if life were more like books, there'd be no grey areas. you can sort by title, by genre, by size, by volumes... then you stack them neatly on the shelf, and even if someone comes and flips your shelf over, you just reorganize them in their simplistic category.

so everything's falling, but One God remains. Daddy, serious, thank You. where would i be without You?

life goes on, as it always does. tomorrow, there will still be work to be done. tomorrow, i will still be the many roles i am. tomorrow, the renovations will still take place. tomorrow, i will still wake up and try to stifle a yawn so that i can first greet my God. tomorrow, the phone still rings and the messages still buzz away. tomorrow, i am still me.

one thing different about tomorrow. is that there'll be more of You in it. and tomorrow, there'll always be even more.

i had dinner with my daddy and grandparents and for the first time in a long while i ate till i literally puked. HAHAHAH now my throat hurts like elephants trampling on a guppy.

we played word games today. daddy actually managed to solve the longest word for one puzzle. i was stunned. hahaha

okay, now back to packing up my room ): sigh. it's a massive mess to pack up. told you my life was starting to get a tad messier. but Lord, i will give whatever it takes to see my life produce fruits for you at more than a hundred fold.

I WANT TO BLAST MUSIC IN MY ROOM, AND SCREAM AND JUMP AROUND IN MY UNDERCLOTHES LIKE A HYPERACTIVE LUNATIC!!!!!!!

it is nice to be home on a sunday afternoon/night (: i should do this more often.

PUMP YOUR FIST PUMP YOUR FIST LIKE THIS!!!

Grace ♥ 10:11 m.d.

at some point in life, you realize that you can cause more hurt than you thought was humanly possible. you also realize that silence is louder than you think, and that all your fairytale romances are nothing but a bucket of lies. you figure out that as you grow older, many other things come into conflict besides just who takes which toy and who gets to swing more. suddenly, our "toys" become so much more valuable, our time on the "swing" dictates our destination.

today reality bit me. hard.

i can't say that it entirely turned out bad. sure, it hurt. sure, it was scary. but hey, i'm still here. you tell me we'll work things out, stick it through together... and only because it comes from you, i believe you. if it was anyone else i'd think thrice.

my make up remover dripped on the dining table and ate up the varnish, so now there are spots of mat on the glossed over veneer. i wonder what this chemical does to my skin.

i'm having a break out and a humongous spot in the middle of my brows and there is a dance performance tomorrow. my make up tomorrow is going to be a mile thick.

F.O.B is blasting in my ears, i am running through the steps over and over again in my head, and i am praying that i dance and don't just move to the choreo. somehow, my costume's not put together, the dance feels like motions, and i am hardly excited or hmm jumpy about it. it's scary too.

HoG has phenomenally blown me away with not just skill, but talent, passion, and unreserved dedication. it makes me question how much i'm giving, how much i'm loving, and how much that is all worth.

today is one of those days where you learn a million lessons per minute. so many they consume you and you are unable to think straight, unable to remember all that happens.

my cell thing didn't turn out according to my plans. once again, i have neglected to hear what God wants, and have acted on my own accord. epic failz. i really need to get tighter with God. i'm slowing on my choreo and my stamina sucks.

the jaw is still aching and my heart fears that it may be a wisdom tooth. oh Lord, save my mouth. i do not like needles nor any sharp instrument that might proceed to cut my gums to extract my teeth. i like my teeth.

rashes are back and all ): i think it's the insane weather and lack of proper sleep. some times i wonder why i really don't listen. maybe it's rebellion. maybe, the only time i get to myself is at these weird ungodly hours. ah, but i know i need the rest tonight.

prata talks today exposed me to the other boys and showed me a little bit of what they are like inside.

at some point in life, you realize that God heals wounds unspoken. you also realize that in the silence, you can hear His voice better, and that all your fairytale romances fall apart as He royally romances you beyond the point of imagination. you figure out that as you grow older, many other things come into conflict besides just who takes which toy and who gets to swing more. suddenly, our "toys" are of eternal value, and our time on the "swing" determines just what He'll say when He sees us. "Well done, My good and faithful servant" ?

Grace ♥ 12:28 p.d.

it was an extremely long day today, but the ending was the best part of it all... here i am now, with green tea and left over snacks, and well, i think this is bliss. to know that your life is hinged one this One Person who will never let you go awry, yet if you do He's there to coach you back, step by step. to know that this God is one who will never let you go, that His love and forgiveness for you flows so far and so deep, that it is incomprehensible. i was startled at how readily you forgave me, and then i realised that God's forgiveness is of an even greater proportion, and how He is just so huge.

i'm off to bed now, to nurse this unknown feverish feeling and annoyance in my ear. i overslept the dinner meeting just now ): my one hour nap turned 3 hours. horrible.

Grace ♥ 2:14 p.d.

today was pretty cool :) i just got back from our first lesson in scuba diving.. it was entirely theoretical today, but it was still so much fun! the pictures and videos were exciting, and just hearing about what we have to do and what we can do really got me so stoked for this! i can't wait for our first dive our together :) or the many more to come.

something tells me that i've just gotten myself involved in some seriously expensive hobby, but boy oh boy is this worth every cent it will inevitably cost. imagine being in such close proximity to the other creations that God has made, in its full beauty and personality, and all of this lies in a world unknown to so many people!

in my opinion, this is another way to get to know God better, and another way in which i gape in awe of His awesomeness.. but i do have to get over my phobia about spots and clusters though :/ Bel's right, alot of organic things are spotty and in clusters. but they are gorgeous in their freaky way.

i will need to start saving money and start losing weight and tightening my muscles and increasing my stamina though.. wetsuits have a tendency to cling and i'd be spending most of my time in one, so its not so cool to be flabbulous and chunky. dang.

holiday, holiday.. i want to get out of Singapore, or the very least, to a beach, maybe, sentosa? i don't want to care about conversations with people, i don't want to care about anyone else's feelings. call me selfish, but i just want to go there alone and bask in the warmth of the sun and the presence of my God.

i've gotta be honest about some things:
1) it sucks to be left out
2) it is difficult being a girlfriend when F2F time is so little

no. 1 makes me wonder if i am too first space until i have little or no friends, or that my old friends forget about me.
no. 2 makes me wonder if we made the wrong move. but i know, it doesn't matter cos we've got God and one another, and we're going to be as tough as nails and stick it out together.

it's 1AM, and after all this while, my phone still buzzes to tell me
"i love you" :)
you're the best, and we'll talk and we'll laugh, and we'll pray and we'll fast.
hard as it may be, we'll stay pure and we'll stay true, baby.
(: "uoy evol i"

Grace ♥ 1:03 p.d.

today was a quasi-mellow-hectic day

there was a hustle at the bank and the sad realisation that my money has once again been depleted. even after putting in CNY moolah

there was work at church which was fun :) it's ministry lor. hardly work at all.

there was an unexpected bus ride with the love of my life :)

there was an unexpected disagreement over latent principles in different lives.

there was a sudden cancellation of tuition OF WHICH I TRAVELLED ONE HOUR FOR!

there was a lovely make up, and getting into your mind.

there was awesome God time :)

there was random conversations on MSN

there was a sudden influx of wall posts by concerned people who thought i've been emo-ing.. (just to clarify myself, by "friends" i mean close friends.. and i guess its just life. when you move from one phase to another, you tend to leave things behind. and some "things" are people. and i find myself in my own bubble, which isn't good cos i have no one to learn from and no one to inspire.. and no, i'm not sad at all :) i'm just... understanding.)

there was the understanding that we are all different

there is the knowledge that tomorrow i am meeting my BFF :D

there is also knowing that He holds my future in His hands

there is alot in life to do, to think, to dream, to say. so much so that we end up all in various acts of the play, portraying different themes, having different soliloquies, yet we all tell the same story. some blog with gusto, others blog with flawless fluidity, yet others blog in staccato, and some don't blog at all. some friends hang out till forever, some friends stay at home, some friends stretch across the universe, some friends write letters, and some aren't quite friends.

there are moments where i care, and moments where i don't

there are moments like now where i say, i need sleep. NOW.

Grace ♥ 12:47 p.d.

we can have sex at 16, go to war and drink and smoke at 18, watch porn in public at 21, so who are we to ever say we're still young? innocence fell out the window and into bed. so who are we to ever say we're too young to amount to anything?

anyway, sunday night saw a sour end with matters brought up with no solution. and it doesn't help that i'm PMSing but monday night solved it, thank God. it's amazing how we can talk this way, write down things to work on, plans to fulfill together. i never believed in the whole "honeymoon" period thing cos it is a progression and will always be a progression.

so now there are solid goals to strive to, a purpose for things that we do.. which is just the way i like it to be :)

thank you, honey, for taking me as i am. with sleeping issues and waking up problems and whines and sensitivity, and fats and selfishness.. you really are amazing, and i thank God that there's you and i thank God that there's us.. vliu

and ya, i solve on problem then i go make another boo boo cos i forgot to be accountable :/ DANNGGGGG. but okay i will face my giants head on, and ask God to help me or else i die. hahahah sorry Bel!!! :(

dear ipman and someone, to be honest, i don't really care who you are or what you say. and i'm sorry if i've offended you in some way, but whatever it is, i hope you forgive me, and that you will come to experience God the way we have. maybe then you'll be less critical and focus your attention on things that really matter. God bless you, and hmm well, i don't know who you are or if you care, but i forgive you and love you too. cheerios!

the people repainting the block are scary as they dangle in front of my window with their creaky painting things. :/ and they are noisy.

cell time! cherah!

Grace ♥ 11:24 p.d.

so here i am at 12.47A.M. having the conversation i wish i never had to have :( it is a sad thing, when one person falls out of His embrace because they kicked themselves right off the palm of God's hand. not realizing that, after everything, He's still holding them tenderly, gingerly, not wanting to shock them or intrude in their lives.

why, darling, why? when someone who loves you so much, so unconditionally, you set your own conditions and fail yourself from this non-existent test. why do you keep condemning yourself? complicating your life, complicating God, when it really isn't necessary?

God is a complex God, He has many dimensions and many aspects, like a diamond that glistens at every different angle. BUT He knows we are beings of simplicity, we were created to be simple. why do we go ahead and muck everything up? my heart aches for you, dear friend.. and if my wretched heart does, i wonder how much does God's..

Daddy, help me type the right words, give me the wisdom to disarm a poet, give me something to help this friend.. someone who is dear to you, i'm sure, and one i don't want to see walking away. Daddy, use me...

Grace ♥ 12:45 p.d.

from today on, i will:
1) not snack
2) not sleep later than 1.30am
3) not wake up later than 10am
4) exercise 3 times a week
5) not put my boyfriend down
6) reply emails and messages etc
7) spend tonnes of time with God
8) pray for my cell
9) be more like Jesus
10) be Christian.


hooray for random resolutions.

i need to have goals and passion, cos i realized that i'm kinda aimless at the moment.
i also need to lose wieght cos i have discovered extra kilos.
i must be a better girlfriend cos i find myself being annoyed by stupid comments i make.
i have to get closer and schmooze with God cos well, every inch away makes life that much harder.
i need to be a better cell leader cos my girls deserve better.

to all whom i've failed, i'm sorry.. give me one more chance, i'll make it right..
to all who still believe in me, thank you
to the one who has stood by me, i love you (we're all flawed. especially your rule about sleeping. hee hee but you're the best hunnie)
to the family who has always loved me, thank you mummy and daddy, i love you both so much
to the God who has never looked away, my life is yours, my heart is yours, i love you

its a random time to reform, no major event has taken place, just a rude awakening of how weak i actually might be. and i don't wanna leave any chance of that.. so... i'm gonna be more like Jesus. and i think Jesus probably is a pretty hot man. who also has all the other positive attributes and strengths. i also want i also want!!

lately people have been telling me that i'm starting to sound like Bel. which is cool, cos cell kids normally sound like their cell leaders. (like how my kids all sounds exactly like me so its actually very funny) and most people take after those they admire. and i admire Bel. i'm inspired by her and the best part is, she's so real. BUT HOR. i'm :/ about how no one tells me i sound like Jesus. my goal? is to have people come and tell me that i remind them of Jesus.

or better still, have Jesus tell me that i remind Him of Him.

okay, 11.55pm. time to do QT then hit the sack :)

oh hey! everyone wave bye bye to my black hair!!! :D

Grace ♥ 11:47 m.d.

i online window-shopped again... because i really wanna go shop now but i cannot. it is 2 am and i have just finished watching 2 and a half men, and i really miss TV... i haven't watched TV in a long while and it is good, to watch this again, it is really good.

and so. i waste precious sleeping time.

there are alot of things i want to do now. one of which is to fly off and not come back for awhile. but again, i cannot. and another thing is to watch House. but i can't cos i don't know where to catch it now. and another thing is to have a kid, but i cannot because i am 18 and not ready or even married. and i also want to eat banana nut crunch.

























i need money
i want to go shopping
but even if i don't go shopping
do i still need money?
life's eternal question.

Grace ♥ 1:56 p.d.

happy two months :)

i cooked today. and we had a good dinner, all four of us..
flipped through baby pictures and laughed at ugly times
went through mental turmoil and will battle them through
i wish i was doing something about my passions
kids, writing, photography, the beach, diving, running,
dressing, music, drawing, people even, friends....
i really should be doing something
and be less hmm... selfish.

i love you, i really do

Grace ♥ 12:54 p.d.