devil you leave me alone. this is a dirty underhanded trick i've expected from you for a long time. i refuse to give you the pleasure of success. i will fight you with everything that is in me, and i will praise my God with every breath that i have. you, grovelling moron, stand no chance against my God. scram. greater is He that is in me than you ever are or will be.

when i am at my weakest, Your strength is magnified.
and Lord, i will put on a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness.
why so downcast, O my soul? rejoice in the Lord always, and again i say, rejoice.
though war may rise against me, of this will i be sure. that i will bless the Lord forever.



cos Lord, You are good and Your mercies endures forever.



quotes help, after all.

Grace ♥ 11:53 m.d.

i just felt the urge to change the colours. hahaha a bit cacat, very blue and green and uh, sea-ish. but whatever. my blog is spastic anyways.

okay i'm not feeling bloggish but yeah, i just have to say that life has been tremendously confusing, yet clear. which, in itself, is a confusion. but the point being, is that so many things are happening at once, and i am clear about each one. yet, because of the numerous issues/events, i am confused yet again. however, being confused sounds very weak. but i cannot say that i am not confused, because i technically am. however, i am not confused. yet. yeah.

anyway, ISAAC I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE OUT I WANT TO THROW MY HANDS UP IN THE AIR AND SHOUT FOR JOY!!!! :) really really you are so precious i wanted to cry when i had to say goodbye :( TUESDAY WE GO OUT OKAY?!! :) it scares me that you are already done with part of your army life. it is as if you are suddenly growing up. but it strikes me, that all the while, you've been this man hidden in a teenager's body. it is so weird that now you are friggin' driving, you are done with your poly life, you are a friggin' NS person, and you are this tremendous ball of energy which lures everyone to you. i love you i love you i love you and i thank God for you in my life :D if i had a dollar for every time you've blessed or encouraged me, i'd put Donald Trump outta business.




and, importantly, and seriously...

Dear BenC,

you are officially my hero. i am so touched by what you are doing, and the immense capacity your heart has for people. i am amazed at how sensitive you are, and how vulnerable you are to the Spirit, yet how strong you are in your will, determination, and your love for God and others.

you are so talented, and you have, honestly, a heart of gold. despite your shortcomings in being rather wall-like, i pray my son will turn out like you. funny, good-lookin', talented in so many ways, and most importantly, most most importantly, you heart for people, and your heart so full of love. the church needs more people with a heart like yours. a heart that really ignores all else but the cries for help.

i really look up to you, Ben. in my opinion, you are a leader in one of the most important ways ever. i used to wonder why Alvin and Rach always mentioned you when it comes to love. but now i know, and my heart breaks for the things we talked about.

you are kept in prayer, Benji, and your life is so so precious. i will be praying for protection over your heart/mind/spirit/YOU, and for God to just cause so much favour to be upon you, even as you live your life for Him.

you are an encouragement to me, and i am greatly spurred on to know that there ARE people who care, there ARE people who try. you make me feel ashamed of how i used to behave, because of your bravery and heroism :) and i am challenged to love people in a greater capacity than i do, to live my life for a higher purpose than now.

i am so proud to be able to say we grew up together, and that we used to do stupid things together. we used to be in the same children's church, the same Chinese cell, the same CFC, the same leadership in GoP.. and we have come so, so far. thank you for your time spent in my life. and on behalf of all the hearts and lives you have touched and impacted, thank you. you have made countless people come to the realization of what love is all about, and i pray that as you pour out into the lives of people, that God will pour out so much into your own life, that you will find yourself so overwhelmed by His goodness, that you will feel embarrassed by His blessings on you.

i love you. keep strong, and keep at it. you're a role model, you really are.

:)

love, Gracie

(of 17 years and counting)

Grace ♥ 12:30 p.d.

it seems like this is the season for sacrifice, the season for growth. but i guess, in order for dreams to come true, there is a high requirement for the successful dreamers. the prerequisite of one, being the need for radical obedience.

but i am thankful that he called for this act of obedience, it is a call i wouldn't have made on my own. because now i can love Him more freely, and stand before Him and say i have nothing to hide. there is a certain joy, i suppose. a certain energy that comes from this. but at the same time, i cannot ignore the clawing that goes on inside of me, or the heavy, dull buzz in my heart.

and yet i sing of Your great love, for because of it, everything else slowly fades into oblivion as You take center stage. it is a little tiring to constantly have to remind myself not to complain, not to bitch, not to linger on too long... but i look at You and i know, i know, it is all worth the while. and that no matter what life brings, all things work together for the good of those who love You and are called according to Your will.

i stand upon Your promises, i claim Your destiny.

radical obedience brings about alot of things, but the two best parts i like about it, is that it incurs the gaze of God, and it increases intimacy with God greatly. and i am loving it, that just by being radically obedient, He will stop all He is doing and simply look into your eyes. just by radical obedience, He will put aside things, just to look at you. and that from a relatively simple thing such as obedience, intimacy will flow. and that's what we want right? a greater intimacy with God. and oh, how i'd love to hear His laughter...

2008, it is drawing to a close with amazing haste. i am looking forward to 2009 and the greater heights it brings, the greater dreams and truths it will carry. meanwhile, i will make what's left of 2008 count. i will.

Grace ♥ 12:35 p.d.

:( i wanna go back to school. NOW. or at least go out with you guys la.. like, long ah. go out with grace please! pretty pretty please with sugars on the top!


God is good and awesome and He constantly remembers to captivates my heart, so thank You very much, my Love :D

i've been thinking alot of good things and i think it has been having a good effect :) a positive person would lead a positive life, and now i learn what it is like to have God's joy, the kind of joy that does not disappear just because life gets on the down side.

and i also learn to treasure who i have around me, and also how to find the good things in people that i never knew existed. and so, yes i am en route to creating a happier life for me and my future hubbster and i am excited for the things to come :) life has a new heartbeat!

now life is alot about growth and dreams and positivity. i'm starting to complain lesser, which is a good start, i suppose, and my emotions are more controlled. well, mostly. i'm still working on it! haha and also i have this new dream that is really heavy on my heart and i really really want to see it to fruition. so yeah, praying hard, praying hard :)

on a less churchy note, I WANT TO GO SHOPPING AH!!! HAHAHAHAHAH my pay from UGH og just came in so i am $351 richer. which means i can spend about, $100 or so, take $100 for XXX and $150 to God:) and $1 to the bank to save. HAHAHAHA eh i seriously need to learn how to save :/

i shall work out my financial "scheme" when i have the time. okay sleep now! early morning later and its a friggin long day. heeheehoo ta!






JOSHY I WHERE GOT SILLY HUH! hahaha how're you? :( TAKE. ME. OUT.

and

HELLO BEST FRIEND IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I WANT TO DATE YOU SO PLEASE MAKE TIME FOR ME CAN? I WILL GO TO THE ENDS OF THE WORLD (PASIR RIS) TO FIND YOU AND HUNT YOU DOWN AND STRAP YOU TO A CHAIR TO MAKE YOU TALK TO ME. hahahahahahha iloveyou! please please, grace is lonely without you :(

Grace ♥ 12:29 p.d.

on the journey up to Genting, i've had the most fabulous car ride ever, despite struggling to stay awake. it was spent in utter solitude. a little weird eh? considering that i was locked in this moving small space with both my parents. but plugged into God, listening to Pastor Kong's series on choosing the right partner for life, thinking, writing, worshipping inwardly, playing DJ (haha) Max... it all contributed to a great ride, and a renewed mindset.

and now here i am at Genting, in the room by myself! :) cos mummy went to run and daddy and the rest are walking around the place. i have a cherished time to just be totally free and to just enjoy the cool cool weather, the solitude, the freedom. and did i mention i have a fantastic view of the mountains?

this is the best, most indifferent, day trip to anywhere, ever. and maybe it is because it is spent in a meaningful manner. okayto, off to think more and finish up publicity matters, and then i am going to head out to dinner and come back for, i dunno, more thinking i guess.

:)

for the joy of the Lord is my strength! and Him all things are made beautiful, and obviously, in His time... it takes a while to get in my head, but after awhile, you look back and think that perhaps everything will be alright after all :)

and you know, someone asked Shaun if he was 21 yet, and he said no, he is 20 now (november then 21) and then it struck me just how young Shaun is. and then i thought about myself, and there was a sudden OH-MY-I-AM-ONLY-SEVENTEEN moment. young ah?





i've stopped thinking: you and me
the term to use for us is: we.

Grace ♥ 5:08 m.d.

okay yay so i leave for Genting in about, 6 hours or so. once again, my bags are unpacked and i am in a state of unrest. i am immensely tired, but i am determined to pack my stuff (though its just two days) before the morning comes. and i have all these bleeding cameras to charge. ANIMAL.

i am not exactly excited or anything. although i should be, since i'm going out of singapore for a teeny tiny break. but this feels like...... i dunno. i feel indifferent. indifference is actually not too bad a feeling after all.

its a short day plus trip, but i'm going to fully utilize it to go be a cave-girl and just spend solid time with God and to clear my head. it is currently in a huge cloud of disarray. heavy with rainfall but not quite about to let go and pour out. and so, i need to clear the clouds before anything horrid happens, or something.

c'mon soldier, suck it up! stomach in! chest out! MARCH! and carry your own field pack! alright, that's the way to go Gracie. march like you mean it, march like you're a man. march cos you're strong and you can do this and anyway, you are not as alone as you think.

three months.

hah. well, at least, AT LEAST i can take the time to concentrate on multiplying my cell by 400% to hit our 30 people target by the end of 2008. which comes in three months, by the way. so yes. three months devoted to ministry, school and work and of course my family. i fear i might go on auto-pilot again, but i will have God as my guide, so i am not too far gone.

i will have a mind of steel.
i will be determined.
i am not alone.
i will not cry.
i will not feel lonely.
loneliness is for losers and is not of God.
*sucks in breath. HARD.*
okay, okay.

okay.

i can do this.
grace is a strong girl.
she can carry the aux herself.
not montarbo hor. AUXILIARY.
strong right!

worse come to worst, i can immerse myself head first in school work church work starbucks work. all in all, camp is going to consume whatever free time i have anyways, and i can always spend the time to plan for tuition, right? right. oh i know! i can devote my time to running and losing weight and becoming skinny as hell. or maybe just slimmer. (i have this bet with eugene, that i will be skinny as he when school starts. i think i lose liao.)

okay 2am liao. better go! 7.45am must meet the rest.
wah kns. haven't packed a single thing.
and Felicia (psp. 'felicia blue', duh.) has no battery.
kns.

eh. i want to go shopping.

friday will see me at sentosa, and then i will go around vivo to make a shopping list for a budget of, say, $400. and i will shop like a mad cow. yes. i will.





and we'll linger on
time can't erase a feeling so strong

Grace ♥ 12:50 p.d.

so tallyho! (i miss thong :( where are you, skinnyso!)

i shall:
-stop complaining (it kills the spirit)
-GO TO SENTOSA WITH SAM AND CRYS (omg i am so sorry. i totally forgot i had a meeting!)
-finish up the video for next week
-get the publicity materials for the week after
-research on how to make tuition more fun AND educational
-make a Promises list
-make a Dreams list
-get kaching for various birthdays and blessings
-tithe more (learnt from Rev Martin)

pretty much revelation-ed to see what i have to do, what my mindset should be like :) and if anything that God gave new today, it is insight.

oh and you and me, we need to get more spiritual and talking longterm, k hunnie? :) and praying too. i'm praying for you, and God'll blow your mind tmr, i'm sure :) long way to go, and i'm psyched up for every step we have to take! :D

OKAY HOLLER ALL CLASSMATES OF GRACE, *sheepishly* meet me soon can? :) sorry i spaced on today's sentosa and was working at yesterday's BBQ :( and also missed the picnic on the first day :( HAHAHAH but okay GRACE WILL GO FOR THE NEXT CLASS GATHERING OR GATHERING WHERE I CAN GATHER BRAINLESS LAUGHS OKAY? :) love you all. really. i never thought i'd miss you guys this much :/

and i miss my churchie friends too :( it seems like it's been forever and a day, but it's barely been a week.. (please hang out at godly hours so i can at least enjoy you guys for awhile. HAHAHAHAH) *sniff sniff*

okay am feeling goofy. and there are alot of "okay"s in this post. not cool.

kay ta!


:D

Grace ♥ 11:45 m.d.

(oh by the way, on a lighter note...)

Grace ♥ 9:16 m.d.

i feel like shite. this fever is killing me. and bugger that the whole fam's got it.

i had plans to run today, to exhaust myself, to ruin this tension in me. but now with this bug i can't even run. i feel so handicapped.


i know i'm at fault. but its not all mine. and you never had the need to phrase things this way.

today i was not stabbed in the back.
i was kicked in the face.

i wish you all were here...
Isaac would have all the right words to say
Chuan would just hold me and things would be alright
Vaness would sit with me and hold my hand till things get better
Maddy would have the right hug
Shenna would cluck and mother me like a hen

phooey to whoever said "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." i do believe that today i died multiple deaths by words alone.

i need you :(

Grace ♥ 9:01 m.d.

i am in the mood for old school boy band songs and sappy love stories, please.

the past two weeks have opened my eyes to reality a little more. whether this is fortunate or unfortunate, i don't know.

well, firstly, i've realised that money isn't easy to come by. especially not for the security guards and the sales promoters at retail outlets. i complain like hell about my two weeks of self-flagellation, yet the full-timers around me do it for a lifetime. they basically earn their living from standing around doing virtually nothing. and then again, that is the only job they can find.

secondly, i've realised the meaning of keeping up my end of the deal. this has caused a great number of sacrifices, aching feet, mentally numbing hours, and the recognition of my disability to remember what comes after the number 9 (e.g. 17, 18, 19... uh. oh right, 20....... 108, 109... uh. oh right, 110..) and yet, weirdly there is some sort of a sense of satisfaction. is is inane, really. but there is a certain degree of "yes-i-friggin'-did-it". although by 9.30pm, i am usually left sprawled over the make-shift counter with insipid eyes and sloth-esque limbs.

thirdly, i've learned that "love is a commitment and love is a trial (some more after this)." but i am glad, after all, that i've got love and love abundantly ;)

fourthly, (i never knew there was such a thing as "fourthly") i recognize my deep longing to have a kid. it is so strikingly odd, but i really do want a baby. but i know, of course, that having one now is beyond retarded. so, yeah. and this is brought upon by the constant people-watching at OG, noting the joy of pregnant women, the flurry of families and the laughter of little children. i so badly want a kid (make that 4, in the future) and i also very badly want to spit on the faces of people who put their children on leashes. HOLD THEIR FRIGGIN HANDS YOU LOSERS. kids are human, not animals.

fifthly, (HAHAHA okay "fifthly" is hilarious.) i realize that i really miss shopping and the moment i get my pay for this two weeks of shite, i am going to buy stuff. today i shopped a bit with mummy and bought adidas runners, shorts, a top and clinique stuff, which -obviously- triggered the inner shopper within me whom i've managed to smother for a couple of months. (a couple of months is a huge thing okay. i used to shop weekly.) so yes. with my pay i will shop.

sixthly, (HAHAHA OMG! "SIXTHLY"!!!) i realise that i am madly in love with my friends. i have a new found friend in Coral, or, at least, we're closer than before. i've got friends like Isaac and Maddy whom i'd shed tears over. i've got a BFF like Vaness whom i haven't talked to in ages but i know i can easily talk to the moment i see her. i've got friends aplenty in church who are so dear to me. i've got my 1C02 people who whine and bug me to meet up :D i've got my SB bums who are happy birds when boss told them i'm going back :) and i've got you, the bestfriend ever, who's always there for me. and i've got the bestest friend in the whole wide universe and beyond (because He created it) who'll always take me back no matter what :DD all of you have kept me alive all this while... I LOVE YOU!

lastly, i note that i will:
A) never work in a job without first finding out details
B) never work in a job i do not like
C) never wear heels to work on the first day




you.

Grace ♥ 12:49 p.d.

the hardest word to say is officially: goodbye.

honestly, i hate goodbyes ):

): you ARE missed, maddy san

today i had a mile long inner and out-of-self debate about whether i should go to work and about ethics and shit like that. and it took me quite awhile before i made the right decision, but i realized then, that maybe i'm not so cool after all. if i even have to debate about whether or not i should do the right thing, then that goes to show that i'm not really as strong as i think i am, right?

dunno la. but main point is, i'm glad that things turned out the way they did.

i am excited about alot of things.. secular and spiritual.. YM, starbucks, school, life, love, God.

(:

i want to get my pay
i want to get my freedom
i want to be happy
its a bit of mixed emotions to know that God cares more about my character than my comfort, because my character is seriously flawed, so that means comfort will be put on hold a while longer ): damn.

okay la, sleep liao.. tekong tomorrow. HAHAHAHAHAH
isaac, i love you.



and isn't it bliss to run into your open arms

Grace ♥ 12:57 p.d.

and no matter what, You're still God, and i still have a reason to be joyous and praise You. after all, "put on a garment of praise for a spirit of despair" right?

Grace ♥ 1:12 p.d.

hello my loves! i haven't blogged in awhile. due to reasons like:
i'm thinking of NEVER EVER working again. every time i work, i lose a part of my social life. i loved SB too much, and i hate tanita too much. why am i never satisfied? i should just get married and have kids now so i won't have to wonder about what to do. uh okay. that did not make any sense. but i am too lazy to hit the backspace key. so, meh.

okay, time for some positivity. i've managed to catch up with quite a few of my friends :)
-i met up with the SBV2 people at the coffee presentation
-mandy, briefly
-i made full use of the house while the parents were out of town. so i caught up with sean, isaac, shenna, aikey, ben, chuan, lampy, coral, maddy, manuel, nelson, gaisu and even joash (i hope i didn't miss anyone out. if i did it means you must spend more time with me. hahaha)
-played CS and dota with the boys so that was fun too :) they gave me my own lane to farm and left me alone till i started pushing their tower at the lowest lane. hahah AND i can kill people at CS now :) hooray for ParisHilton! :D
-shens stayed over last weekend so we had incredible time then too :)
-i went for YA on saturday so that meant supper which also meant time spent with alot of people :) it was lovely and saturday was mind-blowing.

i didn't go to work today for various reasons so that meant cleaning up, youtubeing, msning, writing stuff, blogging, thinking, thinking, thinking. anyway, i want to upgrade my life. do my hair, do my nails, lose alot of weight, get toned up, redo my room (unless we move). i haven't done any of my holiday plans thing yet because of the bloody job. tsk. i'm going to go get myself a pair of running shoes so i'd feel more motivated. hmmm yeah.

anyway, there is ONE good thing about OG la... the people-watching part. you get to see people from all walks of life. there are the young couples, whom i envy, as they walk about hand in hand, madly in love, not fearing anything. then there are the older ones, whom i envy too, because they are smitten at their old age. the little children make me laugh with their silly antics, and the babies make me go gaga and i seriously want a few of my own. there are the teenagers and i see them walk by as their older counter parts rush around, and wonder if they realize that they're slowly being sucked into the adult-world. but of course, people, people, they'll always change.


okay, i'm starting to panic, thinking about work tmr.
:(
i wanna cry.
honest.

bye.

Grace ♥ 10:03 m.d.

hello people!! it's been awhile. okay to cut to the chaste, i'm looking for someone to replace me at my job. desperately.


venue: OG Somerset
pay: $6 per hour
thing: Tanita weighing scales (hahahah)
dresscode: formal-ish wear (black & white only)
timing: as long as someone is there

see the thing is all the standing for hours and hours is taking a toll on my knees (sound damn aunty, but i'm being absolutely serious) but i cannot quit without getting a replacement or else Simon (the one who hires) will be in trouble.

please please if you've got nothing better to do and want a part time job, holler at me ok? (: AND it is a short-term job. from now until the 18th of September.


please call me! i:
A. hate my job
B. have dying knees (omg i sound so mid-life crisis)
C. have another issue which is too embarrassing to air. HAHAHA (gaius you shut up.)


okay thanks (:

Grace ♥ 6:28 m.d.