i've been places, and i've done things. some i'm proud of, some i wish could be undone. but all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His will (Romans 8:28) and i know He's takin' me places.
i don't know what to believe. whether he speaks the truth, or if you're more human than that disgusting creature he described. i don't want to believe that you're that monster underneath the show of gentlemanliness, but i don't want to be played either. i know i'm under covenant but i gotta look out for my future. even as a friend, if what he says is true, can i trust you? can i ever hug you again and not feel like i'm being used? can i ever laugh at your jokes and feel comfortable? can i ever touch you or playfight with you and not feel like i'm a tool for use of pleasure? like i'm just the laughing soundtrack that's used at a lousy comedian's show? like i'm just the stuntman so the actor won't get hurt?am i a friend, a little sister, someone you have a thing for, or something you like to dangle around cos i shower attention on you? don't lead me on. please. don't hurt me to the point where i fear guys. don't give me this shit i don't need.
maybe this is "karma" or whatever they call it. you reap what you sow. is this what i'm sowing for what i used to do? oh God, no.
i feel so stupid. i know there's this manhole in the sidewalk and i know it's uncovered, i know its dangers. i've fallen in once, twice, three times, four. yet i keep jumping in, knowing i'll hurt myself, knowing the experience is a thrill ride, knowing i'll be afraid of the darkness, the uncertainty of where i am. why do i keep doing this to myself? habit? rashness? or maybe i simply want to. i don't know anymore.
OKAY. enough blabbering for now. i just had to get that out.. back to being a happy noodle!! (ugh carbs.) and back to studying.
"and you all know security is mortals' chiefest enemy"
you think?
Shakespeare was such a sad man. if only he had gotten the chance to know God as his personal Lord and Saviour. maybe he would've written happier and more enjoyable plays to watch and read :) he should have known God the way i do. oh boy. he missed out on such great love.