i've been places, and i've done things. some i'm proud of, some i wish could be undone. but all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His will (Romans 8:28) and i know He's takin' me places.
i was on the bus today with my loves and we saw these two primary school boys sitting at the edge of the longkang with their bags strewn somewhere on the grass patch behind them. they were sitting, laughing, throwing sticks at the longkang, and they looked like they were having so much fun.
true, they looked unkempt due to the messy off-white uniforms and the tired droop of their socks, yet a certain vibrancy radiated off them, making me long to join them for a sit, dangle and chat. so i said to chuan, "hey look at that! so fun la." and then he turned and gave me his wise-man smile, "gone are those days, my dear." and i'm like, "shit."
at the point in time, i honestly wished that i could be like them. to just wear shorts and a sloppy tee and slippers, to dangle my feet in a longkang, to laugh and talk with my friends like nothing else in the world mattered. where friendships were platonic, safe, and no amount of enmity could keep friends apart for more than ten minutes. when everything was fun, games, laughter and tonnes and tonnes of joy.
it's not fair how just because we grow up we have to lose our innocence. when we were younger we'd laugh over silly jokes, we could entertain ourselves with a bucket, water and some leaves, we could play with neighbors we've never seen and we could tease each other and still be friends. now that we're grown up, the only jokes we laugh at are yellow, a PSP can't entertain us for more than a few days, we don't even smile at the neighbors we've lived with for 5 years and a simple teasing could lead to a vociferous uproar and a friendship severed as well.
when we were younger, we could stick our hands up a stranger's skirt and they would just laugh it off because we've mistaken them for our mothers, and we'd laugh along and blush in embarrassment. and now, we can't even smile at the auntie cleaning our tables, or to say hi and good morning to the bus uncle we see on a day to day basis. when we were younger, we could laugh and play and enjoy our days, but now it seems all that matters is looking good, feeling good, getting laid, getting wasted. what has life become?
i was once told that we're never too old for piggy back rides. now i wonder if it's true. would i get piggy back rides when i'm 21? will someone still piggy back me when i'm 39? will someone piggy back me, even now? now when i get a piggy back ride, it's frowned upon and labeled as an act of flirtatiousness, no longer just a joyride, a simple way of nostalgic entertainment or a venue of fun. no one gives me the benefit of doubt anymore, they simply call me, a flirt.
if someone asks me what's my greatest fear? one of my greatest fears is to completely lose my innocence, and to forget how to enjoy life and have fun. another greatest fear is also to forget my roots, to forget my traditions, to forget how to speak Chinese. but still my greatest fear, is to never be piggy back-ed ever again.
someday soon, i will go on a proper picnic with all the nostalgic food in the world. throw in kites, a walk in the sea with rolled up jeans, catching in the park, a bike ride in pulau ubin, helium balloons, cotton candy, a trip to the circus or pasar malam, a ride on the merry-go-round and 20cents worth of ice jellies (: that would be bliss, thank you very much.
all i want to do now is to chase my childhood fun, and remember again. to remember how to laugh, how to play, how to have fun the childlike way, how to be excited over the simple things in life, how to love without expecting anything in return, how to trust and believe that everything in this world is good and true.
i've reached a point in life where i realize that if i don't do something fun soon, i may never be able to do it again.
16. it seems like such a young age, like there's so much more to live. and yet, at 16, there's so much life i have to leave behind. if i don't have fun now, 16 will never come my way again, and 17 will soon take its place.
16. the last year of true teenage. 17. the first year of tertiary education. 18. the year to begin The Relationship(: 19. the last year in a polytechnic. 20. the first big "2" the first year in NTU (as a year 2 student) 21. the year i get the Degree. the Big Birthday Bash (21 mah...)
after 21, it's a world of endless possibilities. for all i know, i could be married by 23, i could have kids by 26. and 26 is merely a decade from now. life is coming at me at full speed. yet somehow, 18 doesn't seem to be coming fast enough, is it? (: not fast enough for me anyway.