i've been places, and i've done things. some i'm proud of, some i wish could be undone. but all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His will (Romans 8:28) and i know He's takin' me places.
it was such a weird feeling, to hop off the lift and have the whole place look like a hotel. for love's sake, it's a hospital. irony, ain't it? lush carpets, sweet smells, cushy sofas... and what is it? the ICU ward.
it was such a weird feeling, to know that an electronic glass door separated us. and that a beeping electronical device decided whether or not i could enter to even catch a glimpse of her for 5 minutes.
it was such a weird feeling, standing there in FBTs and the bright yellow class tee, while she lay in wrapped in sheets with IV tubes stuck into her as if her veins were smoking pin cushions.
it was such a weird feeling, knowing that i'm perfectly healthy and able to jump around, run around, scream, laugh, cry, shout, love, study, swim, tan, play the piano.. when all she can do is lay there, eyes struggling to open to take a glance around the room, unable to even utter a word, and all she could do was wave and nod her head. and even then, only barely so.
it was such a weird feeling, to know that the old frail woman lying on the pristine sheets in that blasted hospital is my grandmother. no longer fierce and demanding, no longer strong and insistent, now small, vulnerable, weak. ahh.. vulnerable. oh. so. vulnerable.
it broke my heart to see her that way. the last time she was this broken (as reported by mummy) was when her youngest daughter passed away circa 1990.
and irony, don't you think? that the hospital welcomes Life in the delivery ward, with screaming, wailing babies and yet at the same time, the hospital waves goodbye to people as Death claims them, with tears of the family, heartache, pain, torture. damn the irony.
you know what made everything worse? yeye doesn't remember. Dementia is a scary thing. damn you too, Dementia. damn you. give me my grandpa back. give him his memory back. stupid stupid diseases.
and now all that i can do is pray. i can't even sit with grandma in the ward. i have to sit outside, like a total stranger. morons.
Lord, into Your hands, i commit her life, her everything. i know Your ways are higher and i'll never understand. so i'll just play dumb, like i am, and leave it all to You. i know You have her best interests at heart, and that Your plans for her are the best plans ever. and so, i'll cast all my cares upon You. You, the One who saves, the One who loves, the One who Provides. i love You, Lord, no matter what. and i'll put on a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. Amen.
to the family: i won't be studying with you all tomorrow. i know i was supposed to, especially with you, Gaius. i love you all. tonnes.