so it's almost 2 a.m. and i'm actually full of energy in a really bizarre manner. it's not like i'm hyper energetic or whatever, it's more like i'm energetically driven by anger. yeah okay so i'm pissed now.
i mean, how many of us when we see a sad-looking person will burst out hurling invectives at them as if it were their fault that they were sad? STUPID. parental units have mental issues some times.
i shan't comment any further. it it over and i shall leave it as that.
anyway, i was cleaning up my room and stirring up the dust so now i'm itching and i can't breathe properly. loser right? i also know. i hate being asthmatic, it's such a lousy feeling.
looking through the stuff it seems as if the past four years of my life have been but a paper chase. worksheets, notes, letters, essays, consent forms (why are they still with me?), books, organizers, files, envelopes and stuff of that nature. and then i found this file with all my exam papers from last year.
big Fs marked in red ink reminded me of how i totally failed in the academic area. Fs, Es and Us showed how terribly i did in 2006 and how i was such a failure. never passing math or A math or chem or physics, barely pasing literature and humanities...
and then i saw notebooks which bore a name unfamiliar. until i realized that the name belonged to this girl i once mentored---mandy. and then i realize, again, that the books were her Q.T. books and i am reminded of my failure as her mentor. even now, 3 years later, i still have her Q.T. which i've never even flipped through.
and then i see files printed with the title "EPHIMERIDA" and i am reminded of how i failed in that area of ministry. all that paper work, forms i've printed, minutes i've taken, people i've called up, and the ministry falls apart and now lies in the hands of someone else. it was the ministry pastor mark first entrusted me with and i totally let him down. we even lost the notice board. ha.
and then i see pictures of friends whom i no longer have contact with, and love notes from former flames and i even found the ring sufi gave me on valentine's 2 years back. it's funny how we so flippantly gave rings then, when a ring symbolizes love everlasting, a marital bond with a warrant for higher commitment than just another "i love you".
all the files and papers and random objects remind me of what a failure i once was, and i look back now, in retrospective, and i thank God for the long way i've come. for the ministries i no longer fail, for the current growing cell group of 12 when i couldn't even handle one mentee before, for the good results now when i used to get 4 F9s, for the steady love i've found now instead of the fashionable "steads" i used to have. and despite life being anything but jolly right now, i thank God still for His great love and providence.
and i look at the four boxes (and miscellaneous plastic bags) sitting in the corridor now, and i hold no emotions as i throw away four years of my life. and you know, as long as four years may seem, it has already consumed one quarter of my life. amazing huh? it's hard to believe i'm only sixteen.
and now my room lays in a partial mess but i am too asthmatic to carry on cleaning up. i've managed to clear out the old trash, i need new boxes for the bags and stuff i'm keeping, i have a mini-library for non-Christian books and i actually have a mini-library for Christian books as well :) and now i need to get more books to add on to my collection(s). i also need to get rid of old clothes so i can get new ones and i need to make a list of stuff i need/want/have to get.
so i figure, i shall spend thursday doing all of that. it's not like i have much choice anyway. friday might be spent with the Usuals :D i miss you guys already. LAN? :) hee. sorry i'm such a tomboy.
and i thank God.
and Lord, i love You.
and today i realised that a perpetual honeymoon is virtually impossible. but then again, with God all things are possible. right? but i thank God (again) that things are okay. at least i think they're okay. i'm not really sure. damn all these insecurities. but i trust in him and in Him. so yes, everything's cool.
SHE-ANNA! i date you in two years for yet another chowder in the pantry meal ok? :D i love you muchaloo. and thank you for being there when i was a lil down and confused:) my lesbian partner for life la, you.
QUEKS! thank you, dear, for standing by me when i was in the pits today. granted, it was a simple message but it meant so much to me to know that i had at least you, if no one else, who still thinks i'm worth a thought :) vaness quek, you are one
hell heaven of a BFF. i love you like i love losing weight :D thank you :) for everything.
and in retrospect, i've been tired the whole week.
goodnight and farewell, my friends and my love.