first up, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN SKINNY CHOO!! :D 16 years i've known your skinny ass and i've seen you evolve from weirdo to b-boy to the cool kid you are now. and goodness, time does fly. 17 already and i'm the third to wish you ;) i'm psychic. LOVE YOU! you've been such a funny bean and your mac does wonders. every time i see our pictures under "retards" i laugh my knees off. and and, you're such an inspiration really. when i watch you slog through 2 practices and 2 services almost every saturday with minimal food and/or rest with your guitar(s) and its/their killer strings, i just stand amazed at this insanely passionate long thing that God has created and i'm like, thank God i know this freak. continue to communicate to the masses and you shall take me under your wings next year :) have a happy six days of house domination, my love.
P.S. do your homework.
anyway, i'm leaving for taiwan in about, 10 hours. and my luggage is ineffably empty. HAHAHAHA. i'm usually quite kiasu for overseas experiences as such and will pack like three days before or something, but for some reason, this time is so different. i'm not exactly the most excited person about it and yeah, words just fail me. everyone (including myself) keeps telling me "wah, grace, taiwan leh!" and i'm like,"so?" and then i feel like such a loser cos i can't even get excited about this. weird ah? i
want to be excited. but i'm just not. but i'll have fun anyways.
today was spent with Samson, H2H with the cell, dinner with a motley crew, slacking in the youth room, then drama practice.
it was all good :)
this season of my life has been alot about trusting God with my everything. and i used to tell my cell kids that all the time. you know, the whole "trust God and let Him handle it" bit. but now that i really have to put it into practice, it is SO painful. and i think crying will make me feel better but for once, i can't even cry. and we all know grace is a water faucet so it's really weird how the tears refuse to come.
it's so easy to verbalize trust in God. but the actual trusting in Somebody so inexplicably complex is incredibly difficult. i never appreciated the lack of the need to trust in Him completely until of late. especially in this area. my dreams, fantasies, hopes, expectations, plans... everything is staked on this one God who gave everything for me. what a huge gamble eh? haha. irony. when He has done so much for me for no rhyme or reason and yet i find it hard to just close my eyes and give Him my hand. it's not that i don't want to. i really do. but to actually just throw it all down at His throne and say, there Lord. take it and do what You want, i surrender it ALL to You, is just an insane notion in itself. (not that His death on the cross wasn't an insane notion either. that was not just a notion.
that was something else in a league of its own altogether.)
we may not see the magnitude of this now cos you may not be in a position which demands a complete surrender. but let's just put it this way. it's as if you have planned for your wedding all your life. you've picked out the dress, the cake, the food, the hotel, the program, the flowers, the red carpet, the bride's maids' dresses, etc. and then the day before the wedding, you tear up all your plans and you hire a highly sought after, world renown professional wedding planner to plan it for you from scratch.
and that's exactly how i feel. you know that the person you're entrusting your future with is totally trust worthy and you know that he'll do a fantastic job. yet at the same time, it is such a painful issue to just tear up your own plans, plans that you've had for years, and leaving something so personal to someone else.
but i do know, of course, that trusting Him is oh-so-imperative and is practically the only way to go. and i'm not saying that i won't do it, i'm just saying that it's so tough. (well duh, if it was easy then why would it grow me closer to Him?) but i'll hang in there and do what i have to, pray as hard as i can, and trust with everything that i have.
and sometimes, perhaps, i get angry at everyone because they look at me with a jaundiced eye, pretty much. and i wonder why i can't be normal or ordinary. and then i realise that it is because i am extraordinary, he's extraordinary and my life, in itself, is extraordinary. and that is why things are different.
90 weeks more. it seems incredulously long. leaves me stupefied and gasping for air in my bid to escape hyperventilation, but i do know, of course, that God has His way of working and these days do not pass me by for naught.
Sarah L came up to me on sunday and said that she sensed that i'm insecure about my future and it's actually pretty darned true. i'm so afraid of what the future will bring. afraid doesn't even fit the bill. terrified, horrified, perturbed.... words of that negative connotation is more apt to describe my fear. i'm unsure about my future in terms of relationships, family, education, career, ministry.... hell, i practically worry about everything. (which is an oxy moron cos how can worrying be practical?)
so sue my for being in a state of pusillanimity but it's really how i'm feeling. like, so aunty right? worry so much about issues so distant. SIGH. typical carnal nature of human beings, always having to go stuff our faces up someone's ass to find some shit to entertain us in life. TSK.
"trust and obey, there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey.." tough, but that's the truth and the truth does set me free.
hope, pray, believe, obedience, trust, love. it's all i have and all i could ever ask for.
and i won't lie. this is bloody killing me.
but still, in God i trust.
and God save Gracie the Ke.