i was just thinking about expectations, hopes and dreams. not so much faith, mind you. more like humanly expectations on life. so many things have happened and they've made me doubt my ability to dream, they've made me think twice before expecting anything, and they've made me doubt the saying that we should aim for the moon so that we'll at least land on the stars.
i mean, if you're aiming for first place, how would getting second place do you any justice? what kind of a logic is that? i'm pretty much an optimistic person, but after everything in the past sixteen years of life, i've come to think that perhaps being pessimistic is the best way. if you're pessimistic then no matter what happens, it'll either meet your pessimistic expectations or else it'd surpass your pessimistic expectations. right?
16 years on planet earth and so so so so so so many times, my expectations have failed me. my expectations of family, expectations of friends, expectations of love, expectations of situations and most of all... expectations of myself. expectations of life in whole, actually. and you know, they weren't kidding when they said history repeats itself.
i always expected family to be perfect and happy and warm and bubbly. guess not. my family may seem pretty tight and blah blah but our closeness fluctuates with immense insanity. one day they can treat me real nice and everything, and the next day she's screaming at me and hitting me with hangers over trivial matters like toilet rolls. one day we can be talking and laughing and the next, dinner is nothing but silence. and really, it's not like i don't wanna stay at home. i stay outside so much, because i see no point in staying at home. home = alone, anyway. so i stay home for...? and this failed expectation of family life makes me do a double take when it comes to marriage. i do want to get married, of course. but if my marriage/family turns out to be what it is now, then i'd rather not walk down the aisle at all.
expectations of myself is probably the greatest thing i have to deal with. i'm constantly failing myself, so much so that i don't even dare to expect anything from me anymore cos chances are i won't do it anyways. i expect straight As, expect myself to lead a thriving cell, expect myself to do so well, look so good, do this, do that, blah blah blah. but i end up just failing, hitting below par, or simply just not doing it. failing self expectations is the worst ever. cos i come down really hard on myself when i fail. which is a stupid thing to do, but i do it anyways.
it's always the case where i expect something big or bombastic and then all these expectations/false hopes leave me flat on my face in the mud, grovelling like i'm worth thirty seven cents. and then i cry and i hate myself for crying cos it's a sign of weakness and it manipulates other people's feelings. and then i try to make things better by walking around with a smile i bought from Mattel, cracking lame ass jokes because i'm not naturally the joker, laughing my head off at not-so-funny things just so that people will think everything is okay and alright.
that's why, i figure, my cell girls think that everything in my life is perfect and they want my life cos they think i'm a great leader and that my life is so awesome and tonnes of fun. granted, i do have fun in life. not all of my life was spent in Trashdom. but really, i think they can do so much better than me. (by the way, i have great friends who make my life alot more awesomer! i love you all!! )
there's this song which says um, "we're the new face of failure. prettier and younger but not any better off." true, ain't it? we might look better, be younger, have nicer hair, skinnier jeans, higher heels, tinier swimsuits, more visible ribcages, but what's the point if we end up the same?
i don't really know what i'm getting at, really. after all that i've said, i do know that the truth is, despite the disappointments i've had in life and expecting and hoping and dreaming, despite knowing that most dreams don't come true, despite knowing that when something's too good to be true, it usually is, i know i know i know that i'll go on expecting great things, i'll go on dreaming big dreams and i'll still walk around with high hopes. optimism is my way of life and i often wonder why the hell do i do this to myself.
okay. truth is. i know why. after all, if i place my faith in God, how wrong can i go right? at best, or rather, at worst, my plans would go awry and askew, but His plans would come out alright.
aiya, i talk so much and i come back to the same point i started out with. haha.. self inflicted pain? i would say so. but then again, there are the times when my hopes/dreams/expectations do come true. now when that happens.... ultimate bliss. so yes. end of monologue and i am still optimistic. after all, i still have my bible and my God, my friends and my (sort of) family, my wedges and my aching feet, and at the end of all this, heaven's waiting to let me in.
yayaya i've rambled on alot and all this is written out of 6 hours of sleep. for some reason, God's not letting me sleep more. and i do so need the sleep. but ah yes whatever. i'm up already so i shall go about doing stuff like math.
no. honestly. i am going to do math.