"I STAND ON THE FIFTH AMENDMENT"
if my silence would gaurantee his safety, i'd shut up forever. trust me when i say so. alot of things happened today, and i'm not sure how badly i've screwed up. but all i want is to fall asleep and wake up knowing that suddenly everything's okay. but haha yeah, fat hope. Shakespeare's brilliant. he described sleep as "nature's balm". oh yes indeedydo. it's God's way of giving us a break from reality. but sometimes, the lines between reality and surreality blurs, and i find myself standing in the midst of the million shades of grey in between.
Gravity. It pulls us towards the core of the earth. It draws us, ruthlessly, helpfully. It renders us helpless, lured towards the hot, hard centre of this world, yanking us towards its axis. We are unable to defy it, unable to resist its charms. Gravity. It seduces us, and we have no chice but to yield to it or be thrown off the face of this world.
This same Gravity which appeals so much to us, causes our shoes to wear and tear. Everyday, a little bit more of me is worn off. Every step i take causes that much more of me to be rubbed away. Over time, all the lines at the bottom is rubbed off and all that is left is the plain, black, empty sole. Smooth and seamless, having no grip at all. No grip on life, reality, truth. No grip on hope. Wear and tear: they wear me down eventually. And when i try to walk, i find myself falling, falling, helplessly falling. And all along, i thought this was a shoe-in.
I don't understand
I can't comprehend
Things, they remain
Reason, insane
No thing of fancy
No time for dancing
my thoughts are in a muddle, you can practically make a frappuccino out of my mind. how do i hang on, when the people telling me to hang on, are the people who are grabbing me and pushing me off a cliff? a self-made cliff, yes i agree, however, i don't deem it neccessary to fall right off it. and i have no intentions to be pushed off either.
i'm sick and bloody tired of living up to other people's expectations. i hate how i keep feeling this pressing need to be perfect, to make everyone happy. i don't want to be perfect. i just want to be the best i can be.
i don't dare to love anymore. the people i love always end up getting hurt. either that or they end up hurting me. i honestly don't mind being the one hurt, but why must you hurt the people i love? why must you pressure the one i love so much? i'd pretend to stop loving him, if it would stop the pain. i'm great a pretending, i already am.
She wrote his name with her fingernail, scratching his initials in the palm of her hand. She felt a slight burn as she dug her nail into her flash. Every stroke was her wish that he would come back to her. She traced his initials over and over again, meaning to dig a permanent grove so that she could keep him in her forever. A door slammed and startled her. She sat up and a manic trance overcame her. She clenched her fist tightly, knuckles going white with the intensity, and creating halfmoons with her fingernails. She held her fist to her heart and tried to protect him in her palm. After awhile, she gingerly opened her palm and his name was no longer in her hand. A slow smile spread across her face, because you see, he had gone from her hand and now is in her heart, forever.
i am exhausted. and so.... i'm going to sleep.
tomorrow entails service, lunch, a shortwhile to slack a little and do up my enrollment package, then i'm off to (oh thank God) work :D i look forward to 5pm. i really really do.
i want my life back.
i want to be happy.
is that too much to ask?
apparently.
Grace ♥ 11:56 m.d.