i wonder if my jealousy is justified. i figure i've got nothing to fear, nothing to worry about, but it just continually gnaws at me, nagging me, pulling for my attention. when actually, at this point of time, i should be caring about anything BUT that. Char says it's a normal girl thing, and i figure i'm just a lame excuse for a female, if that's the case. i hope i'm not one of those clingy girlfriends. ugh. God knows no one can stand those.

i think i'm coming down with a fever. which wouldn't be too much of a surprise, judging by my fluctuating sleeping hours and irregular diet. add on to that daddy's recent fever bug. i just may have caught it. i hope i didn't though. i really wanna go to work.

today's been horrible. i've been absolutely lifeless, dragging my feet along in everything i do. starting out with music prac at 10.30 in the morning, and after that, my day just rolled on. i finally met up with Hanies today :) missed you my dear! :D it was so so good seeing you again, even if it was only for slightly more than an hour. we are SO meeting up again soon. i love you!

i got a cupcake today :) from the very bestest BFF in the whole world :D you made my day, darling queks! if i could bake, i would. haha i shall resort to cooking up something else. either that or i'll make you coffee but first you gotta get your butt down to starbucks. hahah :) you really are the best, best! i love you like i love reading Jodi Picoult. which is alot. hahahah she keeps me up all night you know!

i'm feeling really queasy right now. like, really really queasy. and no, it's nothing i ate.

my life has become something altogether highly unfamiliar. the friends i hung out with at the start of the year, have become naught but friends. we used to be close going out all the time... but then again, i favour this estrangement. at least i distance myself a little more from temptation. although, i miss you guys :( aikey, isaac, alena, chuan, char, shens, edmund, peachy etc. you guys know who you are. and weirdly, i super miss you, jarrold.

now life has been pretty much work work work and church. i haven't met up with my close friends much, i've been feeling an uncomfortable distance from church, and i dunno. everything seems very....strange. it's not that i don't love my life now. no, in fact i love it the way it is. but i also loved it the way it was. and i kinda don't know who i am now. well, not exactly, anyways. i keep telling myself that when school starts, everything will go back to normal. but i have a frightening feeling, that normality is now a thing of the past.

i mean, "normal" in 2007 was mugging for my Os. "normal" in January-February of 2008 was partying, going out, having fun. "normal" in March 2008 is work and being a hermit. what would "normal" be in the future? what would "normal" be next week? i don't know. i really don't. and honestly speaking, i don't like not knowing.

i want my life back. i want my church friends, i want my special friends, i want my barista friends, and i want my God-friend. we've drifted a bit, and it's entirely my fault. i think He's the missing link in my life. i really need to go hunt Him down again. then maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay again.

i've been thinking alot. (as aforementioned.) and i think... i think i'm horrendously unsure about my status in life right now. what am i? who am i? what do i want in life? who do i want in life? what do i do now? where do i go from here?

i...
i...
i...
should.
i...
i...
i...
don't know.

i'm perfectly ok, mind you. haha not "emo" or what they call it. just... ponderous. (haha i thought "ponderous" was a gibberish word but i just realized its an actual english term O.o)

i wish for so many selfish things.
maybe i am selfish after all.

Grace ♥ 11:49 m.d.