i've been thinking alot lately. like, really. alot. too much, in fact, that i don't quite know what i'm thinking of anymore.

the scariest thought of all, is that i'm enjoying work more than anything else in life. is that even logical? at Starbucks, it really is a family, where people genuinely care, and i feel valued. hell, there is zero condemnation at Starbucks, i am useful and have a certain tinge of senority despite being the new one. and over here, people listen, people help, people bother. i mean, sure, yeah, we have politics or whatever, but still. and i love it, because it shows how human we really are and that we're not just automated happy androids who scream "HELLO WELCOME TO STARBUCKS!" everytime some customer comes waltzing in. and i love it that there are people who watch my back. they watch out for me, not watch me.

besides that, i'm freaked out about how soon school is starting. i figure i've always known that CMM would be competitive, but it has only just struck me exactly how competitive it will be. furthermore, it'll be a whole new class of people, entirely different lifestyle.... and i wonder how i'll adapt. and i'm afraid cos i don't know what will happen. ah, i've always been like that, i suppose.... fearful of all the uncertainties.

uncertainties.
the future.
all at God's disposal.
or imposal. if there's such a word.

uncertainties.
the future.
my.
friggin'.
schedule.

saturday- 11-2/music practice
2-4/meet with Hanies my aunty
4-10/YM service&post party

sunday- 9-10/CE
10-1/dance performance(!)
1-6/???
6.30-2 @ Starbucks

so i've a huge blank on sunday.. i'm thinking between going to pick up the people coming back from UK or going elsewhere and being a hermit. it seems that now a days, i've had no moods for anybody but small groups. i super can't be bothered with a crowd of three million people, with everybody talking at one time, and nothing being done. horrible right, me? :( but i can't help it. haha i have hermit crab days. OR, i could cover syaqy and start work at 4 instead.

:( i'm unhappy, but can't say why.
:( bah.
:( am i really such a horrid being to be thinking these thoughts?
:( as much as i am happy for you, i can't help but be annoyed at how you rub it in.
:( and i'm also _________ as hell, and can't say a thing.
:( bah.
:( don't wanna talk/think about it.
:( i'm horrible. i should be happy for you, shouldn't i? i dunno i dunno.

AIKEY CHIA!!! WE ARE so GOING TO SENTOSA YOU HEAR ME?!?!? eh eh next week can!??! :) i need the sun. i am beyond Japanese now. i'm.... translucent! hahah :)

BFF!!!! i love you! and we are SO gonna rock this domestic goddess thing! hahah eh eh! we can have picnic!!!! we can cook then pack food then go eat! and we can save money like that also!!! :))))))) hahaha yes yes hong kong, if we have enough ka-ching and if our parents say yes la eh?! :) so exciting!!!

off to sleep before i get scolded by a certain somebody again. hahaha. you can trust me when i say one hour la ok! :)



They had insisted that she was not put under general anesthesia. They had cited their reasons, saying that they wanted her to return to her job later on that night, to recover whatever money was spent on the operation that day. Personally, she felt that they had insisted on the use of only local anesthesia, simply because they wanted to punish her, to make her feel as much of the excruciating pain as possible.

She sat reclined on the stainless steel operating table, and she felt the cold of the heartless metal piercing through the thin robe and branding her skin with a brand of its own. She felt her humanity ebb out of her at the same rate her body warmth left her. She knew that soon, all she would be, would be nothing more than a body. A body with no soul, no mind, no control. She felt the tears well up in her eyes, but she lifted her chin in sordid defiance, determined not to show any sign of weakness. A woman of her career had no time for pity parties. And she was not about to allow them to have the pleasure of seeing her crumble.

The doctor's instructions and words floated past her, simply background music to a cheerless mime. He prodded her legs open and she simply complied, knowing that nothing she did or say could change things. She kept absolute still and absolute silent. She had frozen in her position, but the doctor mistook is as a steady calm. He probed inside her, and she hardly flinched, she was after all, a mere prostitute. What would it matter that yet another man was inside of her?

He inserted a metal rod, and before she knew it, water started trickling down her open legs. She gaped in horror as the clear liquid turned a petrifying crimson, and she watched as her life bled out, right in front of her. Helpless, she sat in silence, this time unable to hold back the tears which were now flowing freely down the curves of her cheeks. She let out a bloodcurdling scream as she felt the life inside of her get crushed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" she yelled, clutching at the doctor's shoulders, shaking him with a vehement force she never knew she was capable of.

"Don't take my baby from me, my baby, my baby..." she cried, blood and tears flowing out of her at an alarming rate. She grabbed at the doctor who scooted out of reach as he bellowed for the nurses' help. In a collective effort, they tried to calm her down, but it was virtually impossible. Sh rocked herself, back and forth, back and forth, until she had passed out from the pain and the knowledge of the death within her.

When she opened her eyes, she was back in the temporary ward. She put her hand to her abdomen and she knew, she knew, that she was empty, once again. The life inside her was gone. Her baby. The boy she was in love with, the boy she knew so much about, yet she had never seen him before. Now she knew what it meant to love someone before she met him. That boy band song wasn't entirely bullshit, after all, she thought bitterly. "I knew i loved you before i met you." she whispered. "Oh baby boy, i loved you so."

All she could think of, was how someone so precious had been ripped out of her. They had told her over and over before, that should she ever be impregnated by a client, she should never grow an emotional attachment to the fetus, but should abort it immediately. But she had held on to this one child, with an overwhelming love like she'd never known before. They had told her, to prepare her, to "cushion" the painful goodbye. But how could anyone ever be prepared enough to say goodbye to their heart? How could you ever be ready to tear out a part of you and say goodbye as you bury this precious thing in the unfeeling ground? The goodbye, she had known would come, but inside she knew, she would never be the same again. Along with her baby, she had died.

After all, he had been inside her, a part of her, up to the point where mother and child became one. You could never really separate the two. The moment he had been conceived, they had snaked their ways into each other's lives, until they were homogeneous. A physical separation of one from the other, would mean the murder of both. One precious life, destroyed yet the other.

If you loved someone, you would let them go. But if you do let them go, you'd be letting yourself go with them too. Because you simply cannot bid goodbye to yourself. The people you love, they become a part of you. Them, you can never eradicate.

Sh shuddered as she composed herself, readying herself for the night to come. Life simply went on, after all. Even if you've just attended the funeral for your own heart. She braced herself and steeled her mind, knowing that she'd be spending the rest of the night making other men happy in her own bed. Knowing, with disgust, that the dirty money she would earn would be taken away by Them. An irony, considering that she's selling her body to pay for her own death.

Grace ♥ 2:02 p.d.