My apologies for the lack of proper and coherent and meaningful updates lately.. i've been thinking so much, i haven't been thinking at all. almost 17, still don't quite know what i want. even worse, don't know what God wants for me. HAH. stupid, me.

i've wanted to type a million things which made sense or really spoke of what i REALLY think, but every time i start doing it, i chicken out. because it makes me think even more, makes me contemplate areas of my life i don't even want to delve into. life is too complicated. too many layers of the onion to peel, yet every layer causes tears to well up and fall over. (not that i'm crying i'm just saying it's bloody painful.)

so yeah. here goes. i'm thinking it's gonna be quite a handful.

life has too much of the "grey area" business. attaining equillibrium in this fragile seesaw of life is kinda tough. (kinda touch being a gross understatement of the tedium of life) for example, when is "too much" too much? or, when does pride turn into prudence? or, when does people's expectations of me become expectations of myself? or, do i want to be a stay home hot mama or a hot working mother? or, do i want to pursue my studies or do i work on things which are more practical and hands on? or, do i really want to marry this guy i think i wanna marry? or, is the future really what i think it is? or, am i really cut out for this life? or, what is my life anyway? or, how much am i willing to fight for what i believe in?

you know, my dream life, is when i'm married to this man who wears berms, havis and polo tees. and we live our life simple and happy. nothing complicated, perpetually laidback and enjoying life as it comes at us. and we have two wonderful children, the older being a son, and he takes excellent care of his younger sister. our kids are gorgeous, mischevious, but downright adorable, with puppy eyes that will always melt my heart and make me scoop them up in my arms and love them. and we would go on picnics, have movie marathon nights (where my husband who hates cartoons will sit through ours of cartoons just because the kids and i love them) and we'll have family trips to overseas or even to go fishing or something like that. and we'll have a 4-man tent which we will set up in the living room and pretend that we're out camping. and we'll keep our presents underneath the Christmas tree and open them together, our kids fighting to open theirs first, but our older son always letting his younger sister win. i imagine us having family-domestic day. where we cook, clean and wash together. the kids will be caked in flour and we will have a food fight. then we painstakingly clean up the kids and i leave them playing with their father while i clean up in the kitchen. i see us going for the movies as a family and our kids will be bouncy and noisy and other people will stare and shush us, but we won't care cos we're happy together. i see me writing stories for our kids, and then he will read them to sleep. i see us writing stories together, each one contributing a sentence to add to the story. the stories will be stupid and senseless, resulting in pink martians zapping the main character, turning them into mouldy marshmallows before eating them up. but the stupidity is okay, because we're happy and we're a family.

you see, my dream in life, is to be a mother, a wife, a mummy, a novelist.

well, i guess that settles everything now. so i can plan my life properly, and walk each step of the way towards that goal.

i wanna be God's wife.
i wanna be his wife.
i wanna be their mummy.
i wanna be a novelist.
i wanna be a bestfriend.

hmmm, i'll stick on to leadership, because it is too painful to walk away. and because if i walk away from my marriage to YM (which equates to God) i will have the potential tendency to walk away from my marriage with God and my marriage with him, whoever he is. i will persevere and not take the easy way out. i will bleed, i will sweat, i will cry, i will complain, but i will walk away victorious, because i don't walk alone. i walk with God on my side.

i will work on my current family, because what goes around comes around. i will make this family work so my family in the future will work out too. i will work towards being the daughter i want to have, the children i want to have. and i will NOT become like my mom, or (the current) his mom. and i will help out in the housework, because i am a housewife in training.

i will work out and diet and lose weight and tone up. only because i strive for excellence, regardless of physical or mental or spiritual. (pastor mark is right, i'm a perfectionist after all.) and also because i wanna be healthy, and i want to be able to run after my boisterous children in the future. i want to be able to play with them and not get tired, clean up after them and not complain. (and also because i wanna be a hot hot wife for my husband. he deserves the best of me!)

i will write more and read more because i will be the best damned novelist in Singapore, Asia, heck, i will even infiltrate the world. but i will not be ambiguous like Amy Tan and cause lit kids to cry. and i will write stories which will inspire and provoke thoughts, i will be Singapore's answer to Jodi Picoult, or better.

i will spend more and more time with God because He does NOT deserve this slip shot thing i'm giving Him. this thing i claim to be love is naught but a shell of denial. i will fill up that shell with genuine love and devotion because He is deserving of all of me and so much more. and because when i seek Him first, everything will fall into place, and His ways are the best for me. and because i want to please His heart.

i will be excellent in my work, no matter where i am, whether it be TP CMM or Starbucks. i will be excellent in the market place, build up a reputation for myself, and for God. i will let people know that Christians do have fun the clean way, and Christians are not hypocrites. i will let them know my God is real and good and that He is excellent. thus i am as well.

i will stick to my covenant with God (and so will you okay hahahaha) because i made a promise and i will keep it. and then and only then will mummy budge and allow this so then we'll be happy together (or else you and i are kaput with a capital K) and AH! there are a million and one reasons why i will keep this covenant, even if you're not there at the end of it. for selfish reasons, for God-reasons and for you-reasons, i WILL keep this covenant. i made it when i was 14, i'm almost 17 now.. what is another year plus more? :)

i will keep my room clean, because i have to keep a HOUSE clean in the future.

(i am so excited just thinking about this!!! wowee! 2008 suddenly seems much brighter. i'm walking on sunshine, Your sunshine!)

okay that's it for now. haha don't wanna be to ambitious.

i'm genuinely excited for this. it's like, Grace-makeover. i'm gonna stick by what i typed, and i will read this every day so i remind myself what kind of a person i am to be. in the next post, i'm gonna write out a whole story of what i dream my future life/family to be like. WAHSEH! EXCITING SHIOL!!! :D

Grace ♥ 12:09 p.d.