"AND THOUGH THE COMEDY SOFTENS THE FALL,
THE FACT IS WE STILL FALL SHORT"
sometimes i think life's a big old mystery that nobody would ever understand. we spend our whole life hoping, dreaming, asking questions like "what if" or "why" and we spend so much time thinking of what could be, what could have been.
often times i ask myself why i even bother, if there is any sense in all of this at all. any sense. any hope. any point. or is everything i'm doing just entirely pointless and senseless. if life is, hopeless.
no, of course, i know my purpose for living, i know who i'm living for, and why i live for Him. i'm asking about the other stuff in life. life is made up of so much "stuff" it is difficult to differentiate one from another cos they all look so alike and the lines are oh-so blurry.
many times i think that all of us are crazy. we are, actually. crazy. if you realize, we're all living to die. the only difference in my life and yours, is what we're dying for. the person worth dying for is the person worth living your life for, right? and so, we're all insane. crazy. mad. nuts. psycho. cos we're all crazy about a certain person, and this person would cause your heart to beat, the blood to still flow through your veins, your mind to keep thinking thoughts, your lungs to keep breathing.
but none of us ever realize that the other is crazy. and this is because we're all crazy so we all look the same. as i was saying, anomaly is the new normality. like how everyone wants to be indie, so the only true way of being indie is to not be indie. but i digress, as usual, like i always do.
so anyway, i'm crazy about God, and i live for Him and i will die for Him. but other than Him (who comprises of much of my life, or actually, all of it) what else? actually, i don't quite know the question i am asking. but then again, i never seem to know what i'm doing or saying which is why people often call me bimbo or stupid. whatever.
i am having tonnes of time to think of all this babbling going on in my head, and to type them out only because i am not at school. you asked me in the morning, why i'm not in school today. and i couldn't come up with a better answer other than, "i'm not up to it and i don't wanna go to school". and then you said you don't approve but it's up to me.
so i started asking myself, THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NOT IN SCHOOL, GRACE?! and i really can't find an answer. i think it's one of those days where we just run away from the things we have to do, and hide in solitude and push people away, or get pushed away by people and have to go hide in solitude.
but i really do want to know why i am not in school. granted, i have a horrible headache and today i feel fat and ugly, but there is no reason why i should not be in school today especially since i have to discuss about sunday with my newfound mahjong kahkis, and especially since i have a tutorial today and an important lecture to go for. so why am i not in school?
and why didn't i go to school when it is so clear that you'd prefer me to go?
why?
why? why? why?
i don't know. i really don't. i'm just going to have a good time today at home and do my GDF poster/brochure shitake mushroom, and i will do my RJ, and i will sleep. yes, i will sleep. sleep hasn't been good lately. in fact, nothing seems to have been good lately.
sometimes, in life, we feel pushed away, don't we? yes we do. we all do.
today is one of those days... you know? one of those days where all i want to do is lie down on a picnic mat in the great outdoors and look up at the sky, and marvel at a rainbow. actually, all i want is to see a rainbow.