you know i really love how this relationship is actually pulling my family even closer :) we went grocery shopping all because i spontaneously decided that C and i were going to picnic on friday. HAHAHAH i really need a break from reality, and well, who better else to get that with eh? so its a threesome on friday.. C, God and me:) and a lovely picnic that mummy helped throw together on a spur of the moment.

i'm beginning to appreciate my family alot more.. my daddy for what he does, my mummy for who she is.. and i'm starting to worry about having to grow up and move away. so now i'm desperately trying to build relations with anyone who matters so that things will be less distant in the future.. family.... they really are what we're all about.

so anyway, school's been insane. i'm hating group projects more and more. which is funny, when you think about it, since i'm always such a people-person. but in the past one year of schoolwork, i've come to a point of literally spitting when group projects are due. we're always last-minute, unclear, behind time, rushing, angry, or altogether, not bothered about it at all. which is freaking me out because i really need a 3.8GPA to get to NTU. i have no other option. i can't go overseas because:
1) it is too much on my parents' bank accounts
2) i can't be away from home and loved ones for that long!
3) if i go overseas then my ministry how??
and
4) i'm really afraid of going overseas cos once you're away then everything changes.
and i don't want things to change without me knowing! (like spoilt brat uh.)

hahahahhaha okay, futuristic thinking, much

and anyway, GPA is really scaring me... it was 3.05 the previous sem but this sem.... oh man. its like, constant nightmare of these three letters which would pretty much determine my future. i mean, there are probably a hundred other things i could do without a degree, but let's face it, i've worked pretty darned hard to be able to get into my course for this diploma. i'm not about to get a mediocre diploma and skip the whole degree deal. i will NOT be a housewife. man, there's so much more!!!

i broke down a little today.. was a rare crack. haha haven't cried so pointlessly in awhile.. thank God that this time there was a physical person to catch my tears :) it's normally me and God and my pillow. hahahha t'was a short spate and ended soon enough, but i honestly can't wait for school to be over, at least for awhile, so that i can just take a breather and do somethings i like/want/have to do that is not school related.

it doesn't help that my social life in school has diminished by alot ever since all my close friends burst into the party scene. josh clubs, sam clubs, zameer clubs. facebook abounds with party pictures, all you ever hear is this party that party so and so making out with so and so etc etc.. i'm totally out of it since i don't know half the people they talk about, and i haven't partied partied with them. i've never clubbed, will never get drunk, will not make out with random people, do not curse and swear.. :/ there's a rift la. and i guess this was always the price i knew i'd have to pay. but it really isn't easy.. dear Lord.

so yes, i can't wait for the holidays where i can just settle into a nicer arena of family, church, love, friends, life. but then again, is this selfishness on my part? after all we are called to be salt and light right? but how can i be salt and light when i'm not even there? i really don't know, and for once i don't have the answers. i really should go to school more.

year 2 will start on April 20th. i'm slightly worried cos there'll be a change of class and all... who knows what the future holds eh?

i really still want a proper holiday, like, an overseas vacation where i can take a break from all this chaos and whatnot. from all the emails, all the messages, all the phone calls, all the insinuations, all the autocracy of the world, all the insensitivity and the over sensitivity and responsibilities etc etc. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH i'm beginning to sound like Peter Pan. but really, all i want is 3 days. just 3 days. or maybe 4. or 5. yeahhhhhhh

okay i'm off to do school crap :/
then i get waffles and BFF time with Queksy!!! :)
cherah!

Grace ♥ 11:31 p.d.