"SECURITY"
tonight i holed myself up at a secret location for a good 5-6 hours, just doing all the things i have to do, catching up on my scholastic life and working on designs that are way overdue. for the first time in awhile, we had zero contact the whole day and weirdly i was perfectly fine with it. like, it didn't even occur to me. it was only when you called at night, when i couldn't bear to hang up. yet you were eager to go off. perhaps you were tired.
this sem looks like one clouded in literature and art. i cheer for the revival of literature in my life. in ways, it has never been dead. just not so alive.
i really need to sleep better. and to work out my timing. i'm so disorientated from school, i've completely lost my balance. now is not a good time to demand anything out of me, so friends, authorities, loves, please try not to ask me for anything. all i can give you are my condolences.
i am trying to live on my allowance. but that has not been going well. my savings are fast depleting. i need another source of income.
i am barely coherent, i do not even know why i am blogging. it is highly un-necessary. but just the way i am, i guess, un-necessary.
but i do, i do. i do love you. love is a construct. it is a construct that can never be a variable because love cannot be measured, and therefore cannot have an operational definition. (i am so going to ace BMR. eat my dust losers.) so love, cannot be measured. and i know i love you. i will always love you. i have always loved you. even if it means i cry, even if it means i lose part of who i am to be with you, even if it changes me, i love you. i had no idea that love would be this difficult. but i guess i don't regret loving you. if i ever stop loving you, then i would regret.
vaness i miss you really badly ): i miss having you as my BFF. you are a BFF like no other. i want to cry, at this point. because i remember the times we used to have. and damn it that we no longer have them ):
dear Z, (not you zam) i read your poem. over and over, i read your poem. you are such a genius with the way you structured it. you are my modern day shakespeare. i also read your pain. over and over, i read your pain. i am so sorry. i never meant to hurt you that way, you were never meant to love me. we were strangers. we are strangers. i don't know if you'll read this, but it has been on my conscience the past year. for what it is worth (or not) i am sorry. have a great life.
dear D, i am sorry too. that you did not find the love i did. i am sorry for the pain i caused in that period. i am sorry for the pain every one has caused you in your life. i pray that you recover, and that you hurt no more. i am not your enemy. i do not like you. but i do not hate you. we have a riddle, don't we? i love you, but i don't like you. i'm being too honest, but its not like you'd ever know. anyway. sorry for before.
i have accomplished alot today.
but it feels like i've done nothing.
i am going to the gym tomorrow, then i will tan, then i will attempt to overcome my fear of the unknown waters, then i will go to school, then i will walk myself to tuition, then i will come home, then i will sleep.
friday will come before i know, and i can feel your arms around me again, your fingers wrapped in mine. yes i will.
the slowest form of suicide is breathing.
[edit] i woke up late and totally missed my gym/swim/tan session dammit.